Your Kink Exploration Guide: How to Discover Your Fantasies, Desires & Turn-Ons
By Christine Rafe
Everyone has fantasies! Some are mainstream, others are niche (alien romance novels anyone?), and all deserve to be explored with playful curiosity and non-judgement.
If you’re here, you may have some interest in dipping your toe in, or maybe you’re you may be certain that it’s time to explore the spicy side of life, to shed some light on the part of you that perks up when you hear the words “silk restraints” or “call me Captain.”
Regardless of where you are on this journey, it’s my pleasure to support you here and now!
You’re officially stepping into the world of exploring desires and possible kinks. I promise it’s not as intimidating as it sounds. In fact, it can actually be quite fun, educational, pleasureable, confidence-boosting and even life-changing!
Kinks, Fantasies and Desires Aren’t Weird or Wrong
Even if cultural and social messaging may have us believing this, kinks, fantasies and desires aren’t inherently weird or wrong.
Sexual desire, arousal and pleasure is a healthy, and core part of being human, regardless of what that looks like for you individually. As we explored in our previous post (which you can read here if you haven’t already), our fantasies can give us insight into our shadow parts, the parts of us that we are currently hiding from ourselves and society.
More simply, exploring your fantasies and desires can be fun, eye-opening and can support more pleasure in your life, and who doesn’t want that?! This isn’t about changing who you are, it’s actually about discovering who you are holistically, uncovering what turns you on and what supports maximum desire, arousal and pleasure for you!
Whether you’re curious about BDSM for beginners or just wondering how to discover your kinks without accidentally ending up in a goat herding roleplay (unless you’re into that, no judgement here), this kink and fantasy exploration guide is here to help.
In this post I’m going to guide you through how to get started with kink/fantasy for yourself if you haven’t given much time or thought to it, using resources, how porn can be an ally in kinky exploration and how you can deep-dive into your fantasies to uncover hidden turn-ons.
If you’re someone who is aware of specific kinks or fantasies you have and you’re feeling stuck, thise deep-dive ideas will explain how you can expand what you know turns you on to broaden your kinky horizons.
When Getting Started, Meet Yourself Where You Are Now
Whether you’re someone who has never explored your sexual interests before, or someone who feels stuck in a siloed fantasy or kink that is impacting your partnered sexual experiences, the beauty of fantasy and kink exploration is that you can start as gently as you like and meet yourself wherever you are.
If you are new to desire and erotic exploration, try:
Reading erotic fiction and noticing what excites you (using the below deep-dive tips)
Reflecting on your previous peak sexual experiences, or take some time to build your own fantasy to identify specific themes around your major turn-ons. You can find our downloadable worksheets for guides on both of these in our free resources section here.
Watching ethically made adult content with different themes and reflect on what you liked and didn’t like in what you saw. Notice how different content makes you feel, themes in the content that excite you, different words or language, scenes, dynamics, etc, that spark something for you, and take note.
Have honest conversations with your partner(s) about your desires and interests. What turns you on the most about the sex life you currently have? What could make your sex life even more exciting? Share these if you feel comfortable to open conversation about what is possible.
When you’re first exploring fantasy and kink, think of it like sampling the menu, not ordering the 12-course BDSM tasting platter right away and scaring yourself off.
If you’re clear on what turns you on but are feeling pigeon-holed, read on my friend…
Porn: Friend or Foe When it Comes to Uncovering Kinks and Turn-Ons?
As a Sex Therapist, I see porn being blamed for a lot of sexual concerns without consideration of the broader functions of porn use, underlying anxieties, the lack of pleasure-positive sex education, and/or considering relational concerns.
Whilst I don’t deny for a moment that porn (and particularly mainstream porn) portrays an unrealistic view of sexual performances and scenarios which can contribute to performance anxieties and difficulties with ‘real world’ arousal building, I believe that porn can be an extremely useful tool to reflect and explore your desires and kinks. Porn can be a safe, private space for kink and erotic exploration, helping you map your interests out and explore what turns you on and off before you bring them into your actual sex life.
If you have somewhat of a strained relationship with porn, consider trying some different platforms that offer diversity and different perspectives, or different types of porn (audio, literature, even art!) to see what feels most aligned for you.
Using Fantasy to Uncover Sexual Desires and Expand Your Kinky Horizons
For clients who are exploring desire, arousal, pleasure and sexual concerns, I love a deep-dive into porn and fantasy history as a way of identifying the specifics of what turns them on.
The more we know about our desires, fantasies and kinks, the more we can integrate them into our life as part of desire and arousal building if this is the goal (if you don’t know what responsive desire is, or the different desire types, check out our previous blog on the subject here). This isn’t just about increasing desire or your capacity for arousal, but incorporating more sensually/sexually relevant stimulation in your daily life builds an erotic charge or energy that can be channelled into creative projects, exercise/movement, flirting within a relationship, etc.
Think of a porn and fantasy deep-dive like building a sexual mood board: notice what scenes make you lean in, replay, or daydream later. Be specific about what it actually is within the porn or fantasy that is your peak erotic moment or charge. Is it the power dynamic? The setting? The camera angle and visual view? The specific act?
I’ll give you an example of the difference between taking at face value your fantasy/porn go-tos compared to a deep-dive that can provide you ways to expand your desire and arousal potential.!
Surface level Exploration and outcome: I almost always search for and fantasise about anal sex, so I clearly have an anal sex kink. When I’m with a partner, I often ask them if they want to have anal sex. Sometimes they say yes, sometimes they say no, and I find that I struggle to feel desire or build arousal to orgasm if I know it’s not on the table at all.
Deep-Dive Exploration: I almost always search for and fantasise about anal sex. If I really think about it and consider the moments that arouse me the most, there are a few that come up. Firstly, it really turns me on when the receiver of anal sex fully trusts me/ the giver, and they can surrender to the pleasure. I can see their bodies fully relax and they open to pleasure in a way that feels like I can have full control, and that is so sexy to me. Another peak erotic moment in the porn/fantasy for me is if/when they verbalise how much they’re enjoying themselves, I love hearing the praise. Another peak erotic moment in this fantasy/porn is if they orgasm while I/the penetrator is in control of the movements and pleasure. I like the idea that I have given them such intense pleasure without them needing to ‘work for it’ themselves.
If we look at this example, you can see that a surface-level reflection would conclude that the person has an anal sex desire/kink and that they need to find partners who are a yes to anal sex in order to be sexually satisfied. Taking the fantasy at surface-level only often leaves people feeling stuck if they can’t have the specific sexual act that they believe is what they need in order to have maximum pleasure and enjoyment.
On the other hand, the deep-dive exploration uncovers all of the below about the persons desire/arousal wants and needs:
The client enjoys anal sex
The client also enjoys power play, being the more dominant partner in a context where the other person feels comfortable to fully relax and receive pleasure.
There is a people-pleaser or pleasure-giver dynamic that turns them on, whereby the person wants to give pleasure fully to the partner without them necessarily needing to do anything for their own pleasure.
They are turned on by verbal affirmations and praise about the experience in-moment.
They enjoy witnessing orgasm/intense pleasure from a partner, particularly if they feel they have been responsible for it.
The deep-dive gives us soooo much more to work with when it comes to expanding and exploring desire, arousal and an individual's erotic themes.
Using what was uncovered in the fantasy deep-dive, we could then explore what other sexual acts or situations incorporate a power play dynamic, praise/people-pleasing, verbal affirmations, and giving pleasure.
Examples of some other sexual experiences that could incorporate these themes could be:
giving oral sex (playing around with different positions of giving and receiving),
incorporating toys that the client would control on the body of their partner (they are therefore controlling the pleasure),
using restraints and giving pleasure in different ways,
exploring praise talk during sex etc.
There are so many more scenarios and acts that can meet the erotic needs of the client that aren’t reliant on the specific act of anal sex.
Overall, the key to uncovering your peak erotic themes is to pay attention mindfully to your fantasies (and porn search terms) and ask yourself why something turns you on, not just what it is. The why is what will support you broadening your turn-ons IRL.
It is important to note here that enjoying something in fantasy doesn’t mean you have to do it in real life, and again understanding the why will help to identify what peak turn-ons you are interested in doing in real life. Behind everything we like or desire, there is a why. When we take the time to get curious about these desires we learn more about our desires, which broadens our access to pleasure, and expands our horizons.
Be curious, allow yourself to lean more into your fantasy world, and know that whatever it may be, it’s all completely normal.