Low Sexual Desire vs Responsive Desire: Key Differences and How They Impact Intimacy
By Christine Rafe
Low desire is commonly a part of the story of a client who presents to Good Vibes Clinic for sexual health support.
When someone feels they’re experiencing low desire, there is often a sense of hopelessness associated with this low, or lack of, desire that's being experienced. Though, when we actually get into the meat of the situation, I usually find that the person with self-described low/no desire is actually experiencing instead what is referred to as responsive desire.
Because of this common misconception, we’re going to deep-dive into the differences between low desire and responsive desire, the influences of desire, how low desire can impact relationships and how you can develop a better understanding of your desire, should you want to.
There’s usually a lot of extremely valid reasons why someone might be experiencing what they describe as low or no desire, many of which reflect someone with a responsive desire in an environment or context that creates zero space for sexual responsiveness.
Some common questions I ask are:
Is it low desire or sexual shame that shuts down your desire?
Is it low desire or a lifetime of being told pleasure was bad/dirty/wrong?
Is it low desire or a lack of awareness of your body?
Is it low desire or lack of sex education?
Is it low desire or a hormonal imbalance?
Is it low desire or the medications that you’re on?
Is it low desire or are you on birth control?
Is it low desire or are you scared of getting pregnant?
Is it low desire or are you having painful sex?
Is it low desire or are you stressed?
Is it low desire or are you not happy in your relationship?
Is it low desire or do you not know what you like sexually?
Is it low desire or are you having bad/unsatisfying sex?
Is it low desire or are you not having the sex you want to have?
Is it low desire or does sex not feel safe?
Is it low desire or low confidence?
Is it low desire or do you have no energy?
Is it low desire or a lack of desire to have sex with someone else?
What is Low Sexual Desire/ Low Libido?
Low sexual desire, often referred to as low libido, is a persistent or recurrent lack of interest in sexual activity. This can manifest as little to no sexual thoughts, fantasies, or motivation to engage in intimacy.
The truth is, there is no set definition when it comes to low desire, as it’s completely subjective for the individual and couple. There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ sexual desire or frequency.
There is also no issue with having low or no desire if it is not something that concerns you. A couple who engage in sex once monthly and are satisfied with that may not describe themselves as having low desire if they’re satisfied with the sex they’re having. Conversely, I’ve met couples that have sex 2+ times weekly, but because they don’t desire it daily they believe they have low sexual desire and lack sexual attraction.
How we define or describe low desire is usually based on something we saw or heard on a movie or down at the pub, and is not based on truth or fact. To add even more complication to this, some folk who describe themselves as having low/no sexual desire still frequently engage in masturbation, solo fantasy, touch and exploration, and believe that desire is only related to sex with others.
I cannot stress enough that there is no right or wrong, too little or too much, it is really what feels satisfying for you and in the context of your couple dynamic (where relevant).
What Factors Can Contribute to Low Sexual Desire?
Desire is complex, and there are a number of factors that can impact sexual desire, factors that can change as often as daily, or that are lifelong or ongoing. These can include:
How we learned about sex including cultural, religious or social narratives
The quality of current and previous sexual experiences
How much we know about our own pleasure
Chronic stress, anxiety, or depression
Relationship conflicts or unresolved emotional issues
Past trauma or negative sexual experiences
Certain medications, including antidepressants and birth control
Physical health conditions, such as diabetes, thyroid disorders, or chronic pain
Fatigue and lack of sleep
Hormonal imbalances (such as low testosterone or estrogen levels)
Poor body image and self-esteem issues
Other lifestyle and environmental factors
What is Responsive Desire and How Does it Differ from Low Desire?
As much as society and media will have us thinking otherwise, the truth is that many folk need to be experiencing something sensually or sexually relevant in our environment first (which can include pleasure), which ‘turns on’ our desire. When something feels genuinely good, or something piques your sensual or sexual interest, you want to turn toward it (as long as there’s an absence of shame/fear).
Responsive desire means that sexual interest emerges in response to erotic stimulation (anything we see, hear, smell, touch or taste that our brain or body considers erotic or sexually relevant) or a loving, intimate interaction, rather than appearing out of the blue.
This concept, introduced by sex researcher Dr. Emily Nagoski, challenges the idea that sexual desire must always be spontaneous to be valid or healthy. It also challenges the original sexual response research that states that desire comes first, then arousal second, where in reality, a focus on pleasure and arousing stimuli can ‘turn on’ desire as a second or third stage of sexual response.
Is it Low Desire or is it Responsive Desire?
The key differences between low desire and responsive desire are:
Low desire: Even when presented with sexual opportunities or intimate moments, there is little to no sexual interest. Although this might seem straightforward, sexual shame, fear, and other subconscious sex-negative messages could mean that we are shutting down desire or interest rather than turning toward it with willingness and curiosity.
Responsive desire: Sexual interest may not be initially present, but it can develop in environments where there is sensually or sexually relevant stimuli present. This can include watching/listening to something sexy, thinking about sex, as well as intimacy, foreplay, and/or emotional connection.
For more information on responsive versus low desire, stay tuned for part 2 of this blog.