How to Support Responsive Desire
By Christine Rafe
So now that we’ve broken down the difference between low desire and responsive desire in Part 1 of this blog, let’s explore how we can use this understanding to support more desire in our relationships going forward.
I Used to Experience Spontaneous Desire, What Changed?
The research on desire suggests that around 50% of women and 20% of men experience ‘context dependent’ desire styles.
Context Dependent Desire Style means that in certain situations (which can include the early ‘honeymoon’ stages of a relationship), our desire may come more easily and spontaneously, whereas in other situations we have to be more intentional about it.
Many people, especially those in long-term relationships, experience a shift from a more spontaneous to a more responsive desire as a relationship progresses, and this is very common and does not mean that you have lost sexual attraction or sexual compatibility with your partner. Recognising this can help reduce unnecessary pressure and self-judgement around your sexual experience.
Shifting from new-relationship sexual energy (NRE) to long-term responsive desire is an opportunity for you to open communication about what you want, what feels good, and for you to start getting creative with your partner and exploring new things together.
Building Sexual Desire
When it comes to sexual desire, one of the most important factors is whether the current sex you’re having (solo or partnered) is worth wanting.
This means asking yourself, are you having safe, enjoyable and satisfying sexual encounters where you feel free to express your needs, wants and fantasies?
The best foreplay is satisfying previous experiences, so by focusing on increasing the quality of your sexual experiences, you create an environment where desire can thrive.
Secondly, with responsive desire, you also need to acknowledge that you will likely need to be intentional about creating space for sensually and sexually relevant, as well as pleasurable, activities in order to build desire and arousal.
If you’re looking to explore ways that you might be able to increase your sexual desire, reflecting on and deep-diving into your sensual and sexual turn-ons (your sexual accelerators and brakes), and being intentional about creating spaces and moments where these can be present in your everyday life, can allow your desire opportunities to ‘respond’, hence creating the illusion of increased sexual desire.
It’s not really a change in your desire, it’s just creating more opportunities for your desire to respond.
How you do this will depend specifically on what you consider sensually and sexually relevant.
We have put together some resources to support you in reflecting and exploring this. One is a worksheet that encourages you to reflect on your most memorable sexual experiences, identifying what made it so memorable and particularly the ‘most arousing parts’. Another is a ‘build-a-fantasy’ style resource, something you can use to create your own ideal sexual scenario (or scenarios - the more you write the more themes you will identify relating to your sexual turn ons, interests and pleasure needs).
How to Navigate Low Sexual Desire and Responsive Desire with Your Partner
When sexual desire differences arise in a relationship, it can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and even emotional distance between partners. If one person has a higher sexual desire while the other has more responsive or lower desire, common challenges may include:
Feelings of rejection or inadequacy from the higher-desire partner
Pressure or guilt felt by the lower-desire partner
Lack of communication about sexual needs and expectations
Reduced overall intimacy and emotional connection
Understanding that low desire and responsive desire are different, and acknowledging that the issue is not the lower desire partner but the desire discrepancy (i.e. this is a couple issue not the issue of one person to ‘fix’), can help you and your partner navigate these challenges with greater awareness and compassion.
If you’re wanting to increase your sexual intimacy in your relationship in a way that supports your sexual desire, the above individual resources can offer invaluable information for both you and your partner. With an understanding of what your sexual accelerators and brakes are (and encouraging your partner to complete the resources for themselves too), you can then work together to identify what you might be able to shift/ change or be more intentional about together that can co-create contexts and situations where the sex you want can happen.
If you don’t feel like you have the time right now to utilise these resources in a meaningful way, here’s the TLDR version with my top tips:
Shift the focus from initiation to exploration – Instead of waiting for spontaneous desire, explore ways to build intimacy. This could include sensual massages, cuddling, or engaging in non-sexual physical touch to see if desire arises naturally.
Identify what turns you on – If you experience responsive desire, take note of the situations or stimuli that make you feel sexually receptive. This could be certain types of touch, emotional closeness, or even external factors like reading erotica or watching sensual media.
Remove pressure and expectations – Sometimes, the stress of having to feel desire can itself be a barrier. Allowing yourself to engage in intimacy without expectation can help desire develop organically. This might look like experimenting with removing penetrative sex (or all genital touch) for a contained period of time, and get really intentional about creating erotic charge without any expectation that it will go anywhere.
Talk openly about your experiences – Discussing your sexual patterns with your partner can help them understand that a lack of spontaneous desire doesn’t mean a lack of attraction or love. If you know what contexts, initiation styles, types of touch or anything else supports your desire, tell your partner! They aren’t a mind reader, and if you don’t tell them what you know about your desire, you aren’t giving them any opportunity to support you.
Seek professional support if needed – If low libido is causing distress for you personally, or causing issues in your relationship, contact us here and we can offer more specific support. We usually find within a few sessions that you can really understand what’s happening for one another and have practical ways to move forward.
For even more information on overcoming challenges of low sexual desire in relationships, check out our recent blog post on co-creating contexts for pleasure and desire in relationships.
I really want to emphasise that having a lower or more responsive sexual desire doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you.
Everyone experiences desire differently, and understanding your own unique patterns can lead to a more fulfilling and pressure-free sexual experience.
By recognising the difference between low libido and responsive desire, you have more choice and agency regarding whether you want to encourage and foster more sexual desire, or whether you are satisfied exactly how things are!