How to Navigate High Sexual Desire in Relationships: Tips for Managing Desire Differences
By Grace Crawford-Smith
Experiencing frequent, high sexual desire, can be beautiful, exciting, exhilarating, and feel like a really juicy part of life.
When it’s not matched however, it can also be an experience that brings people shame, frustration, loneliness and unfulfilled longings.
Managing sexual desire differences in relationships is one of the most common reasons people seek the support of a sex therapist. Most couples will deal with desire discrepancy at one or many points of their relationship, and both people require support and acknowledgement in the experience.
Over time, it’s basically inevitable that two or more people will hold different desire levels to each other at different moments in time, no two humans are the same. However, the fact that this situation is so common doesn’t mean it can’t be a painful experience to manage, and while it can sometimes feel that the focus is on the partner experiencing lower desire, it’s important to acknowledge that this experience is also difficult for the higher desire partner.
I always normalise this experience to clients, as it’s easy to fall into worrying fearful thoughts that a mismatch in desire means something about your relationship or compatibility.
Fear not! Overcoming sexual desire differences can create an even closer relationship to your partner and yourself.
There are many ways to work as an individual and a couple to achieve more balance, satisfaction and connection and move away from the mismatched mindset and conflict that can surround sex. Often, the lower desire partner will seek the support of a sex therapist, however it is equally useful and valid for the person with higher desire to look for ways to to navigate their side of the relationship scale too.
When navigating libido-mismatch in a relationship, there is individual work both partners can do, as well as couples work. Many clients with higher desire experience a sense of frustration, rejection and shame because of their wanting. This can lead to relationship tension, self-judgement, and even sexual shut-down. This blog will focus on what the higher desire partner can do from an individual perspective, as this so often gets missed!
Sexual desire is a part of human sexuality, and is something to be celebrated, so long as we are accountable for expressing our desires ethically and consensually. Sex therapy can involve exploring meaningful and safe ways to accept, embrace and express desire.
How to Cope with High Sexual Desire
So what can we do with high desire?
To simplify things, we can think of three main directions: to hold the desire, to release the desire, or to do some combination of both.
Holding Desire
Most mainstream movies, porn and pop culture depict the release of sexual energy and desire. Think elevator make-outs, steamy wedding nights and hot break up sex. The idea of holding erotic energy may be new and foreign to many in our instant-gratification obsessed world.
Let’s first look at the definition of eroticism, life force, and what the erotic captures: creativity, play, novelty, spontaneity, fantasy and power.
The essence of eroticism can guide us in the exploration of desire.
Imagine holding life force in your body, holding creative energy that can be channeled into many outlets. Imagine walking through the street with a sense of eroticism in your step, perhaps flirting with a stranger (or yourself) as the energy of desire flows through you.
Learning different ways to hold and/ or release sexual energy can bring back the fun and freedom into sexuality that so often gets lost when sex becomes a source of conflict.
Releasing Desire
Desire can be channeled in many different directions, and I encourage you to try new ways to experience your sexual energy. When your libido says ‘hello!’, here are some ways you can respond.
Shared pleasure: you may share desire with partner(s) either by discussing, or engaging in sex/intimacy, but this is not the only way to express sexual energy.
Extra benefits: connection, closeness and intimacy.
Solo pleasure: you may masturbate! Masturbation can allow for an enjoyable release of sexual energy, and it is one way to meet your own sexual needs. This can remove pressure from your partner(s) as pleasure and (maybe) orgasms can easily be given to oneself.
Extra benefits: stress relief, endorphins, better sleep.
Urge surfing: surfing an urge means that when you notice a craving, including the urgency that can be behind it (urgency), you relax into that feeling while resisting the sense of urgency. Learning to tolerate the feeling of wanting can help those who have become anxious about their different desire levels.
Here are the steps: notice the urge, label the desire, notice where it is in your body, breathe into it, check in 10-20 minutes later and see if the urge is still there (it’s okay if it is, and it’s okay if it isn’t).
Extra benefits: this is an emotional regulation skill. Becoming accepting of urges helps us accept other sensations and emotions and reduce distress.
Creative expression: you can explore the creativity that sexual desire brings. One method is writing fantasies as a way of both releasing and holding the energy. You can keep these for a rainy day or a future solo or partnered play session. You may even write in your notes app on your phone - think: the things you want to do or wish you were doing at this time. You may notice by starting the writing process, ideas and desires emerge. Get creative! These can be realistic or unrealistic. You may even want to try your hand at drafting an erotic novel ;)
Extra benefits: future role play inspiration.
Somatic expression: high desire can carry a charge in your body, almost like an electric energy. We can use tools such as shaking, dancing and dynamic stretching to relax with and release the desire while feeling pleasure in your body. Desire can bring a sense of urgency, and even anxiety for some, so it can be helpful to learn to welcome the sensations and slow down. Remembering, there are many options when desire arrives.
Extra benefits: all of these somatic practices are excellent for nervous system regulation.
If you’re feeling distressed by differing desire levels in your relationship, or feeling concerned about your desire, this is a useful time to seek the support of a professional. A sex therapist will be trained in helping individuals, couples and other relationship configurations navigate their differences in desire.
Remember, desire comes in all shapes and sizes. You are not broken if you desire a lot of sex, and you are not broken if you desire little to no sex.
Leaning into your body’s sexual cues and listening without judgement can lead to a whole lot of learning and exploration.