Rejection is Re-Direction: How to Navigate Rejection in Dating and Sex
By Taylor Neal
It’s time we talk about everyone’s least favourite part of dating and sex, rejection.
Rejection is just as much part of the dating experience as the dating is, and let’s be real, rejection sucks, no matter who you are or how much you’ve worked on developing practices around self-soothing.
Rejection can hit us unexpectedly with a sting that sometimes feels quick and fleeting, like a paper-cut, and sometimes it shows up deeper, longer-lasting, and requiring lots of aid and tending, something more like when you fall off a bicycle and scrape your knee, or accidentally cut your hand with a kitchen knife.
We’ve all been there, we’ve all faced rejection in some way or another.
Maybe we didn’t get the job we hoped for, maybe we didn’t get invited to the birthday party all our friends are going to, maybe our work didn’t get accepted to that show or publication, maybe we didn’t get picked for the sports team. Rejection can sting in all the different places we’ll face it in our lives, but often it feels like romantic and/or sexual rejection just simply hits different, and it can require a lot of work to support ourselves through it, to get to a place where we don’t see the rejection every time we look in the mirror.
When we’re dating and receiving rejection, it can cause us to fall into patterns of thinking that sound a lot like “am I even loveable?” or “why would anyone want me if they don’t?” quite quickly, before our rational brain even has a chance to come online.
And sometimes, even if we’re in a long term relationship and we want our partners to be honest and tell us “no” when they’re not in the mood for something, sex or other activities, it can often still sting to receive that no in the moment, knowing that it’s an act of love for them to be truthful about how they’re feeling and appreciating this honesty from them.
It’s the fear of rejection, after all, that causes us to hold back our desires and what we truly want in relationships and sex most of the time.
Knowing in our logical brains that the worst they could say is “no” to whatever we’re proposing, we often get so caught up in the fear of rejection, the fear of them thinking differently about us, thinking we’re weird, crazy, or heaven forbid, cringe, that we can go months, years, even decades without ever expressing what we truly want.
So why is it so tough to navigate through rejection when we know that it’s often truly not personal at all, and also often actually quite useful?
How can we embrace rejection in a way that allows us to see every rejection as re-direction and perhaps even find some gratitude for the rejection we receive in all areas of our lives?
Why Is It So Damn Hard?
Facing rejection when we’re seeking connection through dating or sex can feel a lot harder than other types of rejections we might receive in our lives because we are physiologically wired as relational beings.
Humans have always been pack-based animals, we have always lived in groups, even way back in the earliest humans. We have been designed with staying in the pack as a key necessity for our survival.
Back in early humans, or even today in many animal species, to be cast out of the pack is a major threat to survival because survival comes from the harmony of living in groups and having the protection that comes with that.
Mating happens in this same way. If we aren’t able to mate because we’ve been cast out of the pack, then we aren’t able to procreate, which is where a lot of our drives come from evolutionarily.
Being rejected from the pack, or by potential mates then, sends our nervous systems into a stress response, because it feels like a threat to our survival, which is why intrusive thoughts such as “I’m doomed” or “I’m unlovable” come to us long before our rational brain can kick in and turn off the alarm system most of the time.
In modern humans then, even though we’ve evolved far beyond dating (mating) with the sole intention of procreation, we still operate under this acceptance = survival doctrine as our nervous systems haven’t evolved past these early human designs. When we receive a rejection at work or on the sports team, yes it’s a blow to our ego, but it doesn’t quite hit our evolutionary need to survive in quite the same way.
So it’s hardwired into us to strive for acceptance and connection, but we know that today’s experience of dating and sex is far different to how our nervous systems read it, and therefore we can choose to respond differently with some practice and intention. And in many ways, we can actually use the experience of rejection to grow closer toward the love and connection we’re truly seeking.
Hear me out…
Rejection is Re-Direction
How does it feel to sit with the truth that rejection is always redirection? How does that land in your body?
Often when we’re dating, rejection can feel like a door slamming in our face, or like the popular kids from our high school turning us away because we weren’t cool enough to sit with them.
If you think about every experience of rejection you’ve ever had when dating, and even every experience of rejection you’ve maybe had within relationships, it is always, always, some form of redirection toward an outcome that’s more aligned for you in some way.
When we receive rejection, whether it be someone telling us they’re not interested in dating, someone ghosting us entirely, or even our long term partners telling us they’re not in the mood for sex, it is always possible to use this information as an opportunity to inquire about what might be better for you, or for all of you involved, in any situation.
Often we go into dating largely focused on what the other person will think of us, what outfit will give the right impression, what questions to ask to make us appear a certain way to them, how to seem smart, funny, witty, sexy, caring, and all the other things we want them to see in us as part of their first impression, all the reasons why they should want to date us.
We get so caught up in worrying how we’re being perceived by the people we date, that often we actually forget to stop and ask ourselves whether or not we want to date them.
When we go into dating focused more on whether they want to date us, then when we don’t receive a text back for a couple days, get ghosted, or told they’re not interested, we put all the pressure on ourselves to make things go well, or we take all the blame for why things might not.
We can spend hours fixated on why they didn’t reply or why they’d ghost us, what we said or did that turned them off or made them no longer interested. We can drive ourselves crazy teasing apart every conversation and every detail of our past encounter to try and figure out what it was that we did wrong, because in our minds, it almost always means there must be something wrong with us.
When we receive that rejection, it can actually be useful to stop and get curious about what that rejection is actually telling us about the person/situation, and whether or not this thing we’ve convinced ourselves we want so badly is actually even right for us.
We forget to ask:
Do I want to date someone that has a tendency to ghost me?
Is it okay for me to be with someone that leaves me on read for multiple days?
Do I want someone that doesn't want me?
Do I want to date someone that is too busy to prioritise me?
Is this working for me?
It’s All Good Information
When we stop and reflect on the actual information this rejection gives us, we can recognise that all information is good information when it comes to dating, including rejection.
All the things we learn about someone on a date, as well as all the things we reveal about ourselves, is all good information for all parties to have, even if it’s not necessarily pleasant or what we want to hear.
In order to find connections that are actually aligned with what we’re looking for, we have to be authentic if not on the very first date, then at least as we see them more. Without authenticity, we aren’t able to truly decipher if we’re right for one another, because a true connection simply can’t come from what isn’t true.
If we reveal authentic parts of ourselves and receive rejection then, this rejection is actually a redirection toward someone that might be more right for us in the long run, so we can actually find some gratitude for the rejection when we realise that this rejection just brought us closer to finding the connection that we really want.
Rejection can also be good information if the rejection comes with feedback from our date that we can use to reflect on our own patterns.
I want to be clear that none of us are perfect, and often, dating is a beautiful opportunity for growth and self-reflection. If we’re receiving a rejection, and we’re able to get some feedback as to why this person is saying “no,” it can be useful to reflect on this feedback as a tool for checking in on our own behaviour.
Often, the feedback or the reason behind the rejection has nothing to do with us.
The reason could be that they’re too busy with work or not in the right headspace to date. They could be just getting out of a relationship, caught up in personal matters, they could live too far from us and have a boundary around distance, or you could simply have the same name as their mom and they just can’t get over it.
Whatever the reason might be, it’s 99% of the time nothing to do with us and everything to do with where they’re at in their own lives and whether or not where they are aligns with what we’re looking for. Or, it could just be a logistical thing that they simply can’t get around.
If they offer some feedback that is specifically about us however, maybe they’re frustrated by us showing up late to every date, or being on our phones the whole time, or talking about our ex for the entire evening, this is good information for us to have too, because it offers us a chance to reflect on this behaviour.
Maybe looking at your phone is your tool for regulating when you’re nervous, and perhaps you could find a different way to do this so it doesn’t make the next person feel ignored. Maybe you’re needing to reconsider your schedule if you’re always running late, or maybe you’re needing to find other spaces to process your last relationship (such as sex and relationship therapy) if you’re feeling the need to unload on every date.
Most of the time it’s not about us, but sometimes it is, and that’s okay too. Rather than receiving this as a sign that we’re fundamentally flawed and unloveable, we can find gratitude for the feedback and the opportunity to reflect, and use it to find other ways to regulate ourselves when we’re going into dating.
If we receive rejection when it comes to sex, this is also good information.
If our partner tells us “no” when we instigate sex, we can use this to get curious about other ways we can connect or support them in that moment outside of sex.
A partner not wanting sex is good information, because it offers an opportunity to get curious about what they actually need, what might be missing, where they’re at in that moment, and how we can get more creative about what intimacy could look like that is more aligned for both/all of you.
Rejection also saves us from entering into sex that probably won’t be as embodied or connected if all parties aren’t equally enthused. Whether it’s a “no” to sex on a first date or a “no” in a many year relationship, that “no” might sting because you’re seeking connection with them, but we can also recognise that the sex we want probably isn’t the sex we’re going to get if they're just doing it so we don’t get our feelings hurt with rejection.
Rejection in this case, opens up the possibility to get curious about how we could access more pleasure in that moment, how we could come together in a way that suits our current relational needs, and ultimately, how we can get more clear on what we’re really looking for in that moment and how we might access it in other ways.
What Are You Really Looking For?
When we receive rejection, whether it be from someone we just met on a dating app or from our existing partner, if we begin to see rejection as redirection, we can use this to get curious about what it is we’re actually seeking from this person.
Of course when we’re dating, we’re often looking for connections of some kind. However, when each rejection really stings, we might get curious about what these rejections are really signifying to us. Of course our intention might be to meet new people and make new connections, but is there another layer that might be causing rejection to suck even more that it has to?
We might ask ourselves:
Am I seeking connection, or am I actually seeking validation from this person?
What is the story I have around being rejected? What meaning am I making of it?
Am I really looking for sex right now, or am I actually looking to connect?
Am I really looking for sex right now, or am I looking to feel desired?
Am I sure I really want to date them, or have I put them on a pedestal? Is it their approval I’m after?
If we take some time to tune in and get curious about what we’re really looking for from this person or experience, we can start to expand beyond the actual rejection, and perhaps think a little outside the box about how we could achieve what it is we’re looking for in new or different ways.
For example:
If the story we have about the rejection is that this rejection means we’re never going to find someone, we might start to think about how we can connect back with a sense of hope, or spend some time reflecting on all the beautiful relationships we already do have in our lives. How do our existing relationships prove that we are capable of beautiful connections?
We might take a moment to reflect on how wonderful our closest friends are, or perhaps we really appreciate our work colleagues, or our family. If we spend a moment feeling for the connections we already do have in our lives, the relationships we already nurture and put energy into maintaining, we can recognise that this experience of rejection really cannot possibly mean we’ll never find anyone, because we’ve already found so many people to love and share our lives with in so many different ways.
Another example:
If we’ve been rejected after instigating sex, we might get curious about whether it’s actually sex we’re after, meaning the physical act and sense of release, or if the sex is a means to feeling desired by our partner(s).
If it’s the physical release we’re after, we can usually handle this ourselves by offering ourselves a juicy masturbation session and receive the results we were looking for.
If it’s feeling desired that we’re seeking, is there some other way you could ask for this? Could you ask them for a snuggle, or perhaps schedule some quality time to connect later in the day? Could you cook dinner together that night, or have a long, intentional kiss?
Practical Tools
Under every rejection is an opportunity to redirect our underlying need either back to supporting ourselves toward fulfilling that need, or to be transparent with our partners about what we’re really seeking (connection, feeling desired, intimacy) and come up with another way to get there together.
Still though, rejection can feel hard even when we’re able to see it as redirection and get curious about what this redirection means.
So here are some ways you might more practically support yourself through receiving rejection in the moment:
Take 5 long, deep belly breaths
Call a trusted friend and ask them to tell you what they love about you
Have a solo dance party to a classic power ballad you know all the lyrics to
Journal about what you’re proud of yourself for recently
Spend some time doing your favourite hobby
Go for a walk or a run to let off some steam
Buy yourself flowers or take yourself on a date
Go through your phone and find some photos you love of yourself and put them in an album called “I just keep getting hotter”
Write down the names of the 5 people closest to you in your life, and spend a moment thinking about all the things you love about them
Do something you’re really good at
Write a letter to your future self about what you learned from this experience
Lay on the floor
Tell yourself “I Love You” in the mirror over and over