Sex & Shadow Work: Understanding Your Erotic Mind
By Grace Crawford-Smith
“I’d rather be whole, than good” - Carl Jung
In certain frameworks of psychology, particularly the work of famous Swiss psychologist, psychiatrist and psychotherapist, Carl Jung, the psyche can be thought of as including the ego personality and the shadow.
The persona, or ego, includes the conscious parts of ourselves we think ourselves to be. These parts and traits include qualities we deem as “good”, “acceptable” and form our sense of identity.
The shadow on the other hand includes the things a person “has no wish to be”. The shadow includes everything we deem as “bad”, “unacceptable”, and “shameful”, and we therefore repress these traits and qualities into our shadow.
The shadow tends to be hidden and unconscious, even to the self. To become aware of one’s shadow, relate to it and integrate it, allows a person to become more whole, meaning that we integrate all parts of us rather than avoiding big parts of who we are. By making the unconscious conscious, we have freedom and choice in how we show up in the world, and we are far less likely to project our own shadow parts onto others.
We become more relational, more balanced and more interesting (in my opinion) when we explore and integrate our shadow, because we’re no longer controlled by things we’ve learned are “bad” or “shameful.” Jung believed that acts of evil in the world were due to the unintegrated unconscious, or the parts of us we haven’t learned to accept. What we suppress and reject does not disappear, instead, it tends to rule our behaviour beneath our awareness.
Understanding the shadow
There is the personal shadow as well as the collective shadow, or the collective unconscious. This makes sense as different cultures, families and organizations will deem what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, which can create the split of the conscious and the unconscious.
If the shadow is unconscious, how do I find what is hidden in my shadow?
Parts of our shadow tend to show up in what we find unacceptable, irritating or repulsive in others. Look where you point the finger, or what you struggle to tolerate in others. There is a saying that when you point the finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back.
Do you constantly find yourself around people who seem greedy?
Do you often think others are selfish?
Notice where you feel judgement, disgust or a sense of righteousness: “I would never do xyz…”. Finding something repulsive in another is a great sign there is a part of you that you have rejected or disowned, and this other person is a mirror to your shadow.
If you find yourself saying “sorry, I didn’t mean that joke, that was quite cruel,” for example, this is an indicator your cruel or wicked parts might be exiled to your shadow. We all have these parts. If you do not want others to perceive you in a certain way, it’s a sign your ego is pushing something into the shadow. Stay alert and curious!
Understanding Your Erotic Mind
Do shadow parts become erotic?
Yes, we may eroticise parts of ourselves we reject.
The erotic self is often the opposite to the social self, so what enters the shadow might become sexual or erotic material as we enter adolescence and adulthood. Our sexuality is often one of the only places our more deviant or edgy parts are allowed air time
Perhaps eroticising a trait helps us integrate it, because it brings us into relationship with these parts which we may normally turn away from. For example, a common phenomenon is a person who tries to be “good,” and rule-abiding who tends to fear getting in trouble, and is scared of being seen as “bad.” In sex, they may love the experience of "getting in trouble” in the bedroom. This can be a safe way for our psyche to enjoy this experience.
The mother who is the head of the household, feeling constantly in charge, or who is in a leadership role at work, may delight in sexual submission. Remember, it is completely normal that our erotic self may be opposite to our social self. Just because we fantasise about something or enjoy something in the sexual psychological playground, doesn’t mean we condone that in normal life, or even want to experience it outside of sex.
This blog on the four erotic cornerstones provides more insight into common erotic themes and their origins. We can experience immense psychological and physical pleasure from exploring our shadow parts sexually.
BDSM, bondage and power play are common erotic themes for many people. This can be a safe and consensual way to explore our hunger for power, submission, pain and control.
Do we have a sexual shadow?
Yes! We have a sexual shadow which includes the desires, urges, likes, and fantasies which we reject and push away because we deem them to be “bad” or “wrong”.
Get curious about parts of your sexuality that might be associated with shame or wrongness. What might you struggle to share with a partner? Which desires are you keeping to yourself? This is your sexual shadow.
How do I integrate my sexual shadow?
First, remembering and normalising the fact that fantasises and erotic selves are very often different to the social self. Just knowing this tends to bring people a lot of ease and relief.
Fantasies are sometimes just fantasies!
You do not have to act out every fantasy. You might not even want to act out, or enjoy acting out, every fantasy. If a sexual act, fantasy or desire, brings no harm to any person, then it is okay. See Jesse Bering’s work on kink for more on this amoral approach to sex.
We are not able to simply consciously choose what we find erotic. There are many forces at play, and often our likes and dislikes are influenced by childhood experiences, which can be a strange concept to consider.
What about the collective shadow and sex?
In modern history, sex became sin; sex = shame. Hence, sexual pleasure became part of our collective shadow.
However, as we move into more sex positivity or sex neutrality, learning more about sex, having a culture of media and advertising which sexualises to sell products, we have another archetype of the collective unconscious, the unliberated sexual person.
Currently, we have both sexual pleasure and sexual dissatisfaction in the collective shadow. This is why so many people are in a bind, feeling alone in their sexual challenges.
I often explain to clients that we live in a world which is in some ways hypersexual, it seems like everyone is having super hot sex when we look at advertising, movies, porn, social media
At the same time we still live in a culture of sexual shame. It’s confusing!
We don’t receive pleasure-focused sex education or any information on how to expect, manage, tolerate and/or work through common sexual challenges, such as erectile unpredictability or low desire. These are extremely common experiences, however not many of us are talking about them openly.
Cut yourself some slack and stay curious
If you think everyone is having super hot sex and/or if you also feel a sense of shame around your desires, your body, your sexuality - you are not alone.
See if you can integrate some parts of yourself by leaning into them in a safe way. This can include starting an erotic journal (where you might journal experiences or fantasies, or things you’re noticing are turn-ons), or simply reflecting on things you learned about sex when you were growing up. Did you pick up on what seemed to be considered acceptable and what was shameful, dirty or wrong?
Look for the hidden need in the shadow part. Our shadow parts have wisdom in them! For example, a person who becomes sexually shut down in a relationship when emotional intimacy increases may be baffled by their sudden lack of attraction and desire for their partner. The shadow part may reflect a hidden need for safety, or a need to be witnessed and accepted in a vulnerable state.
Notice when judgements arise. Perhaps when you “yuck someone’s yum”, a hidden part of you may be curious. See if you can notice any patterns in what you find distasteful or disgusting when it comes to sex.
See if you can stay open and marvel in the mysterious nature of the sexual shadow!