So You Want to Talk About Kinks?

By Selina Nguyen

To share or not to share? This is one of the age old questions that many folks sit with when they weigh up introducing a new kink, fantasy or sexual desire with their partners. 

It can feel edgy, raw and vulnerable to take up this space, to acknowledge this dimension of yourself and to have your partners see you in this new light. Particularly within long-term relationships, having conversations like this can feel like it disrupts the status quo. 

However, when we do choose to share and lean into these conversations, it can help us unlock new levels of intimacy, trust and open communication in our relationships. 

So how do we do it? 

Creating a Safe Space for Conversations

One of the most repeated pieces of advice that you’ll hear from many experts and practitioners,  is that it’s best not to have these conversations right in the middle of sex. It’s one of the most repeated bits of advice for a reason. 

Timing and context is crucial here, so that both we and our partners feel present and well-resourced to engage with the conversation and all the feelings that it can bring up, rather than feeling put under pressure to say the right thing or to immediately follow through with action. We can feel a lot of pressure to perform and perfect when these things are brought up in the heat of the moment, which doesn’t give us as much space to authentically engage.

While there is no such thing as ‘perfect timing’ when it comes to talking about sex, we can aim for ‘safe enough’ and ‘good enough’. 

Safe enough timing and context could look like talking over a nice dinner or while we go for a leisurely walk. It is not usually safe enough to talk about these more tender parts of our relationships in contexts where we are rushing off to work, overwhelmed by childcare or in the midst of an argument.

Creating a safe enough space for open communication can look like giving disclaimers or setting the scene of what’s going on for us emotionally, prior to getting into it. For example, “this feels scary for me to say, but I want to say it anyway because I love our relationship” or “this doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy our sex, however I am really curious about this.” 

It can also look like offering or maintaining some affectionate physical touch throughout the conversation which can feel both comforting and regulating for our bodies, such as holding hands or a hug.

Embracing Vulnerability in the Name of Intimacy

When it comes to sharing these sexual or kinky parts of ourselves, it can feel easier to not speak up because these topics can be so laden with the shame or embarrassment that we inherit from society or previous experiences. 

When we stay quiet however, though it might feel easier or less confrontational, we abandon parts of ourselves, and we deprive ourselves and our partners of the opportunity to know us. We keep ourselves, and them, at a distance, and we make this choice each time we choose not to speak up. Vulnerability is always an act of love. 

When we swallow our wants, desires and fantasies, because we believe it is more important to not rock the boat, even at the cost of losing ourselves, we don’t actually give our partners the opportunity to show up for us in that way. And they might surprise us! 

Nothing will change until we loosen our grip on this, choose vulnerability, and to see vulnerability for the gift that it is. We overcome this inherited shame by choosing to no longer be alone in it, and we also strengthen our relationships when we do so.

Tips for Communicating Fantasies with Confidence

It’s a practice. 

Unfortunately this means that it requires you to come to the table time and time again. For all this talk about embracing vulnerability and building trust, it doesn’t mean that it will feel totally easy or even comfortable, hence why we aim for safe enough rather than perfect.

Communicating fantasies or kinks with confidence is not the absence of fear or worry - it’s letting your fear be welcome here and still choosing to communicate anyway because you know it’s important.

Outside the typical advice that you may hear, my number one tip as a relationship and sex therapist is to always go slow with yourself and each other in these conversations. Going slower than you think lets your body learn that this can be a safe enough and potentially even positive experience. You might actually intend to pause and take 3 deep breaths before responding to your partner, repeat back to them what you heard from what they’ve said, and/or ask them not to respond to you until you say you’re finished, to ensure that you have lots of time and space to get your thoughts out without feeling like you might be cut off. 

If we rush and rip off the band-aid of this initial conversation, we can tend to still hold much of the tension and pressure within our body, and because of this, we don’t get to experience the release. It’s the equivalent of holding our breath, not letting it go, and then wondering why we’re feeling tense.

Set the expectation that the only goal of this initial conversation is to share and to be heard. Anything beyond that is a cherry on top. 

Many folks can make the error of expecting that the conversation has to end with a clear action plan or timeline for bringing these kinks to life, so it can feel especially discouraging when we receive any response outside of that. The conversation itself is a milestone, so intend to celebrate it as such. 

If you’re on the receiving end of this conversation and your partner has shared something edgy with you, it’s useful to notice where your mind goes while you’re listening. Do you blame or criticise yourself? Do you feel angry or confused? Notice where you go, but also notice how that might get in the way of your ability to truly listen to your partner.

I also like to recommend that couples wrap up each conversation with a nice little bow. 

This could look like thanking the sharer for opening up when it felt difficult, thanking the listener for being receptive, a cuddle and a cup of tea, or a verbal reminder that you’re in this together. This nice little bow acknowledges that we had a tough conversation and that we survived it together.

Sharing our kinks and fantasies can be a tender and intimate experience if we let it be. Even when it doesn’t follow this neat little structure laid out here to a T and even if partners initially respond negatively, the choice to not self-abandon can make all the difference in how these future conversations go.

If you’re finding that you or your partners are wanting more support in these conversations, you can book a session with one of our experienced practitioners here at Good Vibes Clinic.