What To Do When Your Partner Isn’t Into Your Kink
By Grace Crawford-Smith
It may be one of our greatest fears and barriers to bringing up a kink, fantasy or desire….cue worst case scenario spiral aka the fear of rejection.
However, a kink being rejected by a partner or considered “off-the-table” within a relationship does not have to lead to disconnection. Sharing kinks, fantasies and desires can bring us closer to our partner (and ourselves), even if they don’t feel willing to physically explore it. Regardless of the outcome, sharing our inner worlds is an act of love, allowing our partners to know us better, and allowing them the opportunity to get creative with us about how our desires might be explored in a way that feels good for all people involved.
It’s important to navigate discussions and negotiations with care, so this blog will provide some advice and helpful pointers to bring up kinks, fantasies, and desires with partners in a way that keeps us grounded, connected, and feeling safe.
What To Do When Your Partner Isn't Into Your Kinks
Let’s normalise that sexual mismatches are the norm!
Two (or more) different humans will absolutely have different desires, kinks, fantasies, curiosities, experiences, likes, dislikes and “hell no”s almost all of the time, and that’s okay!
There is no cause to panic if your sexual blueprint is different to your partner(s). In fact, let’s expect that, let’s even celebrate it. What matters is not that we want all of the same things all of the time, but rather, how these differences are navigated.
How to talk about sexual fantasies in a relationship
The first step in addressing kinks, fantasies and desires in a relationship is to talk about it.
These re are a few tips I would like to share to help set up a conversation which is calm, (hopefully) free from judgement, and more likely to lead to connection.
Talk about sex outside the bedroom. It’s best to choose a neutral space to talk about sex which will help keep the bedroom a safe and relaxing space for rest and play. It’s also much more beneficial to talk about sex when we are not aroused and about to get hot and heavy, as the pressure to maintain the vibe might cloud our ability to be open and honest.
Signal to your partner that you want to talk about something that is difficult, either by letting them know and scheduling a time, putting it in the calendar, or making up a code word. If you are scared of rejection, name it in advance! This signals a vulnerable conversation is ahead, which tends to elicit empathy and decrease defensiveness.
You may want to have the conversation while walking, as somewhat reduced eye contact can make it easier to share, plus the act of walking is regulating for the nervous system. Lying down can also reduce stress during difficult conversations. You may opt for a quiet place in nature, or a private space at home when you are about to talk about sex.
Some level of touch - even toes touching - can increase co-regulation and decrease defensive responses in the nervous system.
Share why the kink, fantasy or desire is hot for you. What about it turns you on? How do you want to feel? This is useful information which gives us broader material to work with in case they aren’t into trying the specific kink or fantasy.
Thank your partner for listening. If you are the receiver, thank your partner for sharing their kink or fantasy - even if you don’t want to necessarily try it. You are getting to know each other better and more intimately regardless.
Know that this is one of many conversations. Agree to revisit the conversation, not as a way to change your partner’s mind, but instead as a way to keep communication open and allow for regular check-ins around your sex life. I always encourage clients to think of these types of conversations as the first of many, or part of one long, ongoing dialogue in their relationship.
Get creative together! If one of you isn’t into the idea presented, what are some ways you could co-create another experience that might feel good and exciting for everyone involved?
Trauma-Informed Approaches to Sexual Mismatches
If your partner is not into your kink, try and identify what it is you would like to feel during sex or during this particular fantasy. For example: if someone’s desire is to have their partner urinate on them, they may want to feel humiliation.
How could you work with the underlying theme rather than the specific act? This is the creative part we get to explore together should we choose.
If the partner is not up for trying that specific kink, you may brainstorm touches or experiences which might play with the theme of humiliation and are within your partner’s willingness and consent.
Going back to the previous example, you might try some light criticism as a means of experimenting with verbal humiliation if this is a “yes” for both of you.
When it comes to navigating sex in relationships, we always want to focus on what is possible.
Think of a venn diagram of your own desires, interests and willingness, and then your partners.We want to focus on what’s overlapping, whilst also acknowledging that what we are willing to try or are interested in will also change over time. That’s why it’s important to have a mindset of conversations being ongoing, because our desires are fluid and ever-evolving, just like we are.
Tools such as literally drawing a venn diagram, using ‘Yes, No, Maybe’ lists (there are kink specific lists and more “general” lists available online), or sex menus (a huge spreadsheet of sexual acts, ranked by you and partner to compare answers) can help couples navigate identifying what is possible for play, what could be discussed or modified, and what’s totally off the table.
I recommend repeating the diagram, list, or menu, about once every three months, six months or a year, however every couple can negotiate what feels like a useful time period for their relationship.
Understanding Kink Rejection Without Shame
When trying to understand your own kink, or your partner(s)’ kinks, remember that sexual fantasies and desires are some of the strangest, most creative, and most interesting phenomena our psyches come up with.
Kinks and fantasies often contradict our social selves and conscious personalities, so don’t take them literally.Try to keep an open mind. Fetishes are often formed in childhood, and this isn’t a process we are consciously in charge of, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it or you. It just means we need to practice acceptance and outside-the-box thinking sometimes to satisfy our desires.
Just because you don’t want to try a fantasy or kink your partner has suggested, doesn’t mean you can’t listen with respect and compassion.
If you notice your own sexual shame coming up when hearing your partner’s desire, remember this is your shame to manage and contain while you hear them.
Shame often manifests as disgust, judgement, shut down, “icky” feelings or a sense of feeling dirty or gross. You might want to unpack with a trusted friend or therapist to prevent allowing your shame to impact your partner in a negative way after the conversation has come to an end.
When Sexual Needs Don't Align in a Relationship
Can you grieve it?
Sit with the possibility of not being able to explore this kink or fantasy together. Is it a “must-have”? Does it feel existential? Ask yourself: Am I okay to be in a relationship where this is not on the table? Only you can know the answer.
Can you negotiate the boundaries of the relationship?
For example, some couples may agree that a kink or fetish can be explored outside the relationship, within certain agreed boundaries. This may be a confronting idea to some, and it’s important both people are genuinely on board.
Opening up sexual boundaries can lead to reduced stress and increased sexual satisfaction for both partners if everyone is agreeing and feels comfortable to re-negotiate the boundaries and be honest about any feelings or fears which may arise.
Sometimes a kink or fantasy is explored only through solo sex and masturbation. Enjoying porn, erotica or writing your own erotic stories can help an individual explore their desires alone in a fulfilling way.
If you can grieve it and stay in the relationship or current boundaries, what would be helpful within the relationship to support healthy sexual expression?
It might be helpful to be able to talk to your partner about your desire, or to try other new things together which you are both willing or wanting to explore. Avoidance of sexual challenges is the real risk. It’s less about wanting the same things and more about feeling free to express your sexuality to each other without shame or judgement.
It might be useful to create regular sex life check-ins to reduce the chance of unspoken desires, longings or resentments eroding trust and connection.
Seeking Support
I am a therapist, so I am obviously a big believer in therapy! When sexual interests don’t overlap, a therapist trained to work with sexual challenges and relationships can support you as an individual or couple to unpack the mismatch and co-create a safe environment for authentic sexuality.
Book in for a session with one of our experienced practitioners here.