Vulva 1o1: Pleasure Centred Guide to Touching a Vulva
By Christine Rafe
What did you learn at school or at home about sex growing up?
This is one of my favourite questions to ask both in sessions as well as in community.
Most people respond with something along the lines of: “I learned that if I had sex I would almost certainly get an STI and/or get pregnant, maybe both!”
The truth is that in most countries, sex education is fear-mongering and disease centred, with very little focus (if any) on consent, pleasure, functioning or sexual communication.
This post is a response to the lack of information we have about the pleasure side of sex, and how to actually do the thing in a way that feels good and exciting for our bodies, while also removing a little of the fear and anxiety we’ve inherited around being “good at sex.”
I’ve created a guide for vulva and vagina pleasure because this feels like a big question mark for a lot of us with vulvas, and those who love vulvas. There’s no shame in not knowing, but having some concrete tools can relieve a bit of pressure when we’re getting down to it.
Whether you’re learning about it for the first time or feel like a seasoned pro, there’s probably something in here that you can take away and integrate into your solo or partnered play in the future! The education and tips included are useful for anyone interested in pleasuring a vulva (whether your own or someone else's).
Understanding Vulva Anatomy
First things first, let me give you a quick lesson on vulvo-vaginal anatomy from a pleasure framework.
Starting with some terminology which is especially important because most folk incorrectly use the word ‘vagina’ when they are actually referring to the vulva (another reflection of our shitty sex ed so no shade if you’re one of them).
Vulva
The vulva refers to the external genitalia of a biologically female body, consisting of the mons pubis (the fatty mound over the pubic bone), the labia majora (outer lips) and labia minora (inner lips), which protect the inner structures and contain sensitive nerve endings. The clitoral glans and clitoral hood are located at the top of the vulva where the labia minora meet.
The Clitoris
Talk of the clitoris has become more mainstream in recent years, so you may feel pretty confident knowing where the external clitoris is located.
What many don’t know however, is that the clitoris is a wishbone shape. The external bulb is just the tip of the iceberg, with clitoral legs called vestibular bulbs and crus clitoris that ‘hug’ the walls of the vagina from the inside.
What you might know as the g-spot is actually part of the internal structure of the clitoris. The more aroused a vulva-owner is, the more the clitoris can be stimulated and pleasure can be felt through the walls of the vagina. The clitoris is a highly sensitive organ with over 10,000 nerve endings, its sole function is sexual pleasure.
Vagina
Below the clitoris lies the urethral opening, where urine exits the body, and beneath that, the vaginal opening (introitus), which leads into the vagina.
The vagina itself is a muscular, elastic canal that connects the external genitals to the cervix and uterus, accommodating menstrual flow, sexual penetration, and childbirth. The vulva and vagina are rich in blood supply and nerve endings, making them responsive to touch, arousal, and hormonal changes throughout life.
How to Get Started: Whole Body ‘Foreplay’
Now that we’ve armed you with the pleasure-focused anatomy of the vulva and vagina, let’s move on to the practical elements of pleasure.
Rather than bee-lining for the clitoris and vagina, actually dedicating some time setting your brain and body up for pleasure will pay off ten-fold during vulva touch, trust me!
My top four whole body warm-up techniques are:
Tip #1: Your Brain is Your Biggest Sex Organ
Consider brain arousal as the first and most important part of pleasure and foreplay. The more aroused your mind is (reducing negative chatter, anticipation, fantasy, eroticism), the more you will experience pleasure!
Tip #2: Move Your Body
Get the blood pumping to the area! The more blood that is circulating through your body and specifically the pelvic region including your vulva and vagina, the more receptive to touch and pleasure the area will be. Consider focusing on hip, thigh and pelvis related activities like dancing, pelvic tilting and massage/touch around the broader area such as inner thighs and cupping the vulva area with some light squeezing.
Tip #3: Slow the F* Down!
Move and touch slowly, especially when you first get started. Focus on pleasure in the moment, not on the end ‘goal’ of orgasm. A focus or expectation on orgasm, will make it even harder to achieve (and even more frustrating if it doesn’t happen). Do what feels pleasurable for you in the here and now.
Tip #4: Breathe
It might sound obvious but don’t forget to breathe. Many people find that they clench their muscles and hold their breath while masturbating so if this is you, practice welcoming in relaxed muscles and deep breaths while touching yourself (or being touched by someone else). Breath is our erotic pump and can support the flow of pleasure around our whole bodies, not just within our genitals.
Touching a Vulva
If you’ve brought some awareness and intention to whole body pleasure building and you’re feeling ready, let’s pay some closer attention to the vulva and vagina.
Use our vulva and vagina pleasure anatomy description in this post if you feel like a complete beginner to vulva pleasure. If you’re feeling good about common pleasure-points, then it’s time to grab the lube (which I recommend for everyone) and get curious about what types of touch specifically feel the most pleasurable for you!
Certain techniques and types of touch work for some, and not others.
There are some great resources out there which look at specific techniques for pleasure (included below and in our social posts on this topic so check them out), but ultimately your own exploration will give you the best information.
As a general starting point, focus on the pleasure points of the clitoral hood and clitoral bulb, inner labia and around the entrance to the vagina to identify where feels the most pleasurable for you (acknowledging that some days you might experience more pleasure in one location and another on a different day). Many folk find touch or stimulation with some consistency in the rhythm/pace/pressure/location a pleasurable technique, especially if incorporating some shorter periods of touch at a different rhythm/pace/pressure/location, and alternating between.
Our Mindful Masturbation resource (which can be found here) may be useful to reference if you’re looking for specific suggestions around exploring sensual and sexual touch. Be sure to check out our socials here for specific vulva touch tips, and sign up to our mailing list for updated and ongoing sex ed free to your inbox!
Internal vs External Stimulation
While mainstream porn and sex ed would have us believing that penetration is the ‘main meal’ and most pleasurable part of sex, most folks with vulvas need external clitoral stimulation (or a combination of both external and internal vaginal stimulation) in order to experience maximum pleasure and orgasm.
In fact, based on the research, less than 20% of vulva owners can reliably experience orgasms through penetrative stimulation alone.
The best advice I can give on maximising vaginal/internal pleasure is to focus on all of the above whole body and external pleasure building techniques, because the more aroused you are through brain and external vulva pleasure, the more engorged the clitoris will be and therefore the more pleasure felt through the walls of the vagina, particularly at the g-spot (located 2-4cms inside the vagina).
I could write another million words on vulva and vagina pleasure (and I will over future blog posts). There is sooo much to explore and to be honest, you will never be ‘done’ learning about your own pleasure. The more curiously you explore your pleasure, the more you will expand your pleasure potential, so get handsy with yourself and learn some new things about your pleasure!
Resources for Further Exploration
Women’s sex education platform: OMG Yes
BOOK: She Comes First by Ian Kerner
BOOK: Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.