The quick answer is no. Unfortunately there’s no guarantee that no matter how great your relationship or your sex life is, that infidelity won’t happen. Sorry!
The importance of relationship agreements
The next best thing is exploring and establishing relationship boundaries, expectations and agreements. Doing so allows both partners to flesh out their own definitions of infidelity within the relationship because it differs from person to person. This means taking the time to discuss with your partner in detail what is important to you, what you need to feel safe or secure in the relationship and also touching on why it’s important.
Within our traditionally monogamous society, it’s the default to jump into a relationship and assume your monogamy agreement and that your idea is the same as your partner’s. You can see why these assumptions set up a lot of relationships for failure. An easy place to start discussing your relationship agreement is talking about these four broad areas and then honing in on particular parts or previous experiences. The four relationship areas are attention, affection, time and sex.
It’s important to note that this is not a set-and-forget agreement. It’s unrealistic to expect a relationship agreement to still mean the same for both partners years from now, because as we grow as individuals, so should our relationships. These agreements should be revisited on a regular basis but especially as we age and experience big life events like pregnancy or illness. We wouldn’t buy a car and expect it to work just as great as it does fifty years from now, so why do we think that about our relationships?
Tips for communicating your boundaries and expectations around monogamy:
Reflect around what you expect in a relationship and why
Consider your previous experiences with monogamy, what did you assume and what did you learn?
Using the classic “I feel” statements
Respect your partner’s perspective even if you don’t agree or understand, but try to come from a place of empathy and curiosity
Initiate the conversation when you’re both feeling relaxed and open to discussion or organise a time to chat
Using a disclaimer can help ease any worries about offending your partner, “I love our relationship and I want to keep feeling connected to you, that’s why I feel it’d be really helpful to insert some rules around our us-time”
If you have anxiety or an anxious attachment, let your partner know what comes up for you emotionally and physically. Discuss how you self-soothe and look after yourself when you feel anxious
The three stages of recovery
From broken trust to insecurity and grief, infidelity can have profound impacts on a relationship but there is hope. Infidelity can be a wake up call for change if both partners can commit to healing together and there are generally three stages of recovery after an affair:
Crisis: The period after the affair has been discovered or disclosed. This can feel like an emotional landslide. Unsurprisingly, there’s an overwhelming rollercoaster of feelings of shock, anger and sadness and trauma responses can be activated. It’s important that you don’t make any decisions about what to do with your relationship in this phase. Focus on looking after yourself and leaning on the supports in your life.
Insight: Here we start to assess the damage. There’s a shift from blame to curiosity - and not curiosity about how many times they saw each other or how good the sex was, but about why it happened and the meaning behind it. Understanding the affair allows you to see each other’s perspectives as well as helping you make an informed decision about the relationship going forward.
Vision: Now is where you have to make some decisions about staying together or moving on. If you decide to stay together, you will need to be clear in creating a new relationship agreement and negotiating what you want the relationship to look like. Enlisting the help of a therapist is immensely useful in navigating this stage.
Uncertainty will be present throughout all three phases and it’s normal to continually shift between needing reassurance, needing space or needing intimacy. It’s important to note that healing has never been linear and there’s no strict rules about how long each phase lasts, but it’s dependent upon the couple’s commitment to each other and rebuilding the relationship.