The types of infidelity
Infidelity is the violation of an emotional or sexual agreement and trust within a relationship. The murky area for most, is that some of these agreements are explicitly stated whereas some aren’t. The definition of infidelity is ever-expanding. For some, watching porn can be seen as cheating while for others, cheating can be seen as building an emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than your partner. There’s a lot of variation amongst people and what cheating means, which is why communicating about our boundaries is so important, in each relationship.
Generally speaking, there are two main types of infidelity - physical and emotional. Physical often refers to sexual infidelity, and emotional often refers to a romantic connection and/or romantic or sexual conversations. More recently, couples have also had to navigate their online boundaries. Does sexting count as cheating? Does sending a snap to your ex count as cheating? It’s crucial to address these questions with yourself as well as with your partner before or as they come up. Unaddressed, they leave an incredible amount of space for not only miscommunication, but for hurt and the breakdown of trust within the relationship.
The importance of boundaries
In any new relationship, it is important to discuss and agree on what the boundaries of acceptable behaviour are, specific to this relationship. What a previous partner felt was acceptable may not be acceptable here. We need to acknowledge that everyone has different beliefs, understandings and expectations of what a relationship is, and this needs to be discussed and agreed upon, to avoid misunderstandings.
With emotional infidelity, especially if it is not discussed as part of a relationship agreement before a violation, can be difficult to navigate, as there is no specific physical act to assign as being outside of the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.
If you are wondering whether you might be crossing a boundary (and you are otherwise in agreement that you are in a romantic and sexually monogamous relationship), these areas of reflection may help guide you:
Do you feel guilt or shame about the friendship and the way you are communicating?
Are you secretly communicating with each other, or hiding it from your partner?
Are you flirting with this person (whether this is via text or in-person), sharing explicit or sexual conversations that you would not want your partner to see or know about?
Are you prioritising this relationship over your partner?
If your partner was having a relationship (or conversations) like this with someone else, would it feel comfortable for you?
Do you have feelings for this person that are romantic or sexual in nature, and the knowledge or belief that these are reciprocated? (Bearing in mind it is okay to ‘crush’ on people now and then, and this is not the same as having a passing sexual thought about someone.)
Why do people cheat?
There’s a general stereotype that men cheat for more sex and women cheat for more emotional intimacy, and if only it were that simple! The truth is the reasons people cheat can be very complex and it’s often not a reflection of the relationship, but of the cheater.
Many of the surface level answers will claim it’s often done out of anger or boredom, and for many short-term relationships, that may be the case. Master of helping couples through infidelity, Esther Perel explains that however within long-term relationships, infidelity is rarely about the sex and more about the cheater re-discovering missing or lost parts of themselves. It is often an attempt to reconnect with something more (in themselves or others), or an escape of who they have become. Other reasons identified through the research include loneliness, neglect and sexual frustration with a breakdown in communication.
Can a relationship come back following infidelity?
Infidelity can mean the end of a relationship, however research suggests that many couples stay together beyond affair. If you are dealing with the aftermath of infidelity or a breach of trust, reach out to a Relationship Therapist for support. This can be a difficult space to navigate alone, and a professional can help find meaning and truth, and re-build trust within the relationship. Off the back of infidelity, there is an opportunity to get deeper and more honest about what each person needs.
Illustration by Emma Ahlqvist: https://www.emmaahlqvist.com/