Do you have low desire, or are you overworked? Do you have low desire, or do you feel unsupported or disconnected? Do you have low desire, or are you having sex you don’t enjoy? Do you have low desire, or are you living in a pandemic?
With very little sex education in schools (particularly pleasure positive sex ed), most of us have learnt that desire is binary - we either have a high sex drive which means we’re promiscuous or sexual deviants, or we have a low sex drive which means we’re broken. We’re not taught that desire is actually fluid and heavily tied to our day-to-day lives, our past experiences, relationships, mental health, medication and so much more. For so many of us, wanting to have sex isn’t as simple as flipping a switch. This is because we’re parents, we’re employees or business owners, we’re adults existing in a pandemic with never-ending responsibilities and obligations. The struggle to switch on shouldn’t come as a surprise when we’re exhausted and overwhelmed!
There is no such thing as a ‘normal sex drive’ or a magic number of how much sex you should be having per week. Using the word ‘normal’ puts a lot of pressure on us to meet an invisible and constantly moving standard. Your libido is only an issue if you’re unhappy with it and even then, there’s ways you can support in understanding and fostering desire!
Within long-term relationships, desire naturally ebbs and flows. World renowned couples therapist, Esther Perel explains, “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energised by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition.”
Desire requires playfulness, excitement, mystery and adventure, and these are qualities that don’t naturally go hand-in-hand within long-term relationships. It’s something you continually have to commit and work towards cultivating. The more space you hold for pleasure and desire in your life, the more you’ll be able to receive and appreciate. We do this by looking after ourselves, having time apart and staying connected to the part of ourselves that is playful, sexy and passionate. We can connect with our partners by watching them in their element and trying new experiences. Knowing our turn ons and offs, knowing what makes us feel confident and relaxed, and sharing it all with our partners also helps to build the desire toolbox.
Cultivating pleasure and desire is a practice. It doesn’t change overnight and it’ll forever fluctuate, but it thrives in the small moments when we can choose playfulness over performance.
Let’s End the Traditional Model of Sex and Prioritise Pleasure over Performance
The traditional performance-based model of sex looks at desire and intimacy in a binary way. This can include; the idea that men are sex-crazed and women need to be convinced, sex = penetration, penetration leads to orgasm and ejaculation. Not only does this performative and goal-oriented thinking contribute to rape culture and unsatisfying sex, it’s incredibly black-and-white, and places an insane amount of internalised pressure, shame and judgement for ‘not filling our role’. We become focused on erections and orgasms, and if we’re taking ‘too long’ or ‘not long enough’!
If we focus on a pleasure-based model of sex that’s centred on exploration, communication and consent, we are more likely to remain present, connect with sexual partner(s), and be more sexually satisfied. We have the permission and freedom to find what works for us, and to lean into it. With an awareness that sex is an experience rather than a performance, we can be fully present, focusing on physical sensations and taking our time.