It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast pace of life and forget to pause, appreciate and connect with the people around us.
Building and maintaining emotional intimacy with friends, family and partner(s) is an ongoing commitment, with the key being to build rituals of connection. This could be something as simple as a special goodbye ritual, planning date nights, or a no phone rule at the dinner table.
Rituals form the heart of long-lasting and fulfilling relationships, and they can also be the backbone of a relationship, when life gets really busy or difficult as they provide some predictability in our lives. Rituals do not need to be big gestures, they just need to be intentional and meaningful to your relationship.
Famous couples psychologists and researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman found having six second kisses with your partner on a regular basis significantly improved connectedness within the relationship. Six seconds is all that it takes and for something fairly low effort, it has powerful results! It builds appreciation and fondness, and encourages you to be present with your partner. Lots of little acts like this contribute towards a culture of love and admiration which can also make it easier to de-escalate or cut through arguments.
Most long-term relationships will have unconsciously built a lot of their rituals of connection, so it’s worth checking in with your partner and defining what they mean to both of you. You can also discuss if there’s wanting or space for more. The power of purposeful time with your partner and building these habits is immeasurable!
A big part of cultivating and maintaining emotional intimacy is responding to bids for connection. This is another concept by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, and refers to the verbal or nonverbal behaviours one person uses to get the attention of another. They are little requests and opportunities for connection, which are more powerful than you’d think, as responding to them allows our partner(s) to feel heard, seen and understood. Bids can sometimes be obvious; like asking for help or asking how your day is going, however some aren’t always as clear, such as saying how tired you feel, or sharing a meme.
The Gottmans found that the number of times a couple responded to each other’s bids for connection, whether turning towards or rejecting and ignoring them, could predict if a couple stayed together or separated. They studied newlyweds and followed up with them six years later, and found that the couples that lasted were over 85% responsive to their partner’s bids, whereas couples that separated responded roughly only 33% of the time.
Relationships are built on bids for connection, and missed or rejected bids can be detrimental in the long-term. Turning towards your partner starts with simply paying attention and listening to your partner, indulging in their excitement, even if it’s something you’ve already seen or know about, and trying to stay curious.
Questions to deepen your connection:
What do you most admire about me?
What about me most surprised you?
If we were in a band, what would our name be?
What about me is hardest for you to understand?
What would make you feel closer to me?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
What parts of yourself do you see in me?
What’s been your happiest memory this past year?
What’s the failure you most cherish?
How would you describe the feeling of being in love in one word?
What is a dream you’ve let go of?
What was the hardest lesson for you to learn?
If you won the lottery, how would you spend your time?
Is there anyone you miss?
What are you most grateful for at the moment?
Why do you think we met?