Pleasure over performance
As a result of incredibly limited sex education, we’re often left to learn what sex and sexuality ‘should’ look like through the lens of porn and media. We’re taught bodies and sex should look a certain way and we create long lists in our heads about what needs to happen in order to be great at sex. We suck in our stomachs or push out our chests, because we’re taught that there’s a one-size-fits-all approach to sexiness. This is socially constructed sexuality. We are taught that in order for sex to be ‘successful’, we need erections for prolonged periods, penetration to orgasm and ejaculation. This is performative sex.
In reality, sex doesn’t always go like a well-choreographed porno. It can be awkward, messy and everything in between. Sometimes we get cramps, we might bump our heads on furniture, and sometimes things don’t go as we thought they would. This is all common, and human! Being able to bounce back and laugh these things off with a partner not only makes it a more enjoyable experience but also honours our humanness. By creating space for sex to be awkward or messy, we take the pressure off ourselves to be perfect and can focus on building authentic and intimate connections. Prioritising pleasure over performance allows us to break free of the scripts we’ve unconsciously learned that our bodies and sex must look a certain way.
Tips for exploring your pleasure
An obvious yet underrated piece of advice is the benefits of getting to know your body and what makes you feel good. We recognise that for many people, their bodies are battlefields of what they should look like versus how they actually look and feel. This makes it so much more important to gradually build awareness and acceptance around our bodies. Mirror work and self-exploration can be incredibly powerful in this, and both don’t need to be overly sexual in nature, but come from a place of getting comfortable being and looking at yourself.
Bringing intentionality into how you interact with your body is a great stepping stone towards getting to know yourself. Other great techniques are looking at your vulva using a handheld mirror, using toys or playing with different sensations like silk sheets or bubble baths. A common feature of these methods is that they require you to slow down and be present within your body, this alone can heighten sensations and feelings of pleasure. Building strong habits around getting comfortable in your body rewires your neural pathways, making it easier each time to look at yourself in the mirror and indulge in self-exploration or solo play.
Re-thinking pleasure beyond the sexual
This is suprisingly hard for many people, especially for individuals who are socialised as women*. They are often trained and taught on a profound level that their pleasure comes last. Without making it a conscious priority, there’s little space given to pleasure in our day-to-day lives because we believe that it’s not as important as earning money or looking after a household. However, our ability to succeed in these parts of our lives is built upon how well we look after ourselves and fill our own cups first. As pleasure activist adrienne maree brown explains in their book, “pleasure is regenerative.” It is absolutely essential!
Let’s clarify that pleasure in this sense is not strictly limited to the sexual, but in terms of pursuing what makes you feel good and connected to the best parts of yourself - the parts that are powerful and strong as well as happy and relaxed. Pleasure looks different for everyone and it can be big or small acts of pleasure. For some, it’s trying a new recipe or going for a hike, and others, it’s seeing friends or dressing up. Hone in on what makes you feel good, and create routines and structures within your life to encourage pleasure. Studies have shown time and time again that indulging in play and having the safety and freedom to try new things significantly improves creativity, confidence and overall mental health. If you’re struggling to figure out where to start understanding your pleasure, reflect on the below questions and share your thoughts!
What comes to mind when you think of pleasure?
What does pleasure feel like for you?
How do you care for yourself? What brings you pleasure?
How do you create pleasure for others?
Are there areas of your life that don’t bring you pleasure? Name them. Is there something that could make these areas more pleasureable?
Wanting to start your pleasure journey?
If you’re interested in connecting with your pleasure and sensuality, sex and Relationship Therapist and Director of Good Vibes Clinic, Christine Rafe runs an online Own Your Pleasure workshop series. This five-session series is aimed at increasing your ability to understand and communicate your boundaries, wants and needs, as well as celebrating the diversity of pleasure. If this is something that interests you, go to our website for more information!
Pleasure Resources
We are strong believers that knowledge is power, so we’ve also pulled together a short list of great resources if you’re interested in expanding your pleasure repertoire. Each dot point is filled with a world of information and we highly encourage you to pick at least one or two that peak your interest and share your learnings!
Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown
Slow Pleasure by Euphemia Russell
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Dr Lori Brotto
Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics podcast
Sensual Self with Ev’Yan Whitney podcast
Sex with Emily podcast
OMGYes - https://www.omgyes.com/
Illustration by D’Ara Nazaryan: http://www.dnaz.tv/