COMMON CONCERNS

Desire Discrepancy & Low Desire Therapy in Sydney

Relationship issues as a result of discrepancies in levels of desire or ‘libido’ is the most common reason for couples to seek out a Sex and Relationship Therapist. This may surprise you, as many couples say they feel they’re the only ones struggling with this issue. It might be helpful to know that someone’s libido is effected by factors that aren’t always directly related to sex; sex is almost never just about sex. You might not think that a full sink of dirty dishes will impact the chances of getting freaky that evening, but it very likely could be!

No two people have the exact same libido and desires, and the likelihood is that you won’t have the same libido and desire across your adult life. Remember that there is no such thing as a ‘normal’ level of libido, and comparing yourself to others is not helpful.

For the partner with the lower libido, you may feel that your partner is only interested in sex, and feel frustrated that you can’t relax at the end of the night without the looming hand-grabbing under the covers. For the partner with the higher libido on the other hand, not only do you feel sexually frustrated but also confused and maybe even rejected by your partner. It’s important to know that the issue is not someone having ‘too low’ or ‘too high’ libido, the issue is in the space between. This means there’s a lot you can both do to find a way back to each other.

low desire

Low desire, or responsive desire?

When someone feels they’re experiencing low desire, there is often a sense of hopelessness associated with this low, or lack of, desire that's being experienced. Though, when we actually get into the meat of the situation, I usually find that the person with self-described low/no desire is actually experiencing instead what is referred to as responsive desire.

Some common questions I ask are:

  • Is it low desire or sexual shame that shuts down your desire?

  • Is it low desire or a lifetime of being told pleasure was bad/dirty/wrong?

  • Is it low desire or a lack of awareness of your body?

  • Is it low desire or lack of sex education?

  • Is it low desire or a hormonal imbalance?

  • Is it low desire or the medications that you’re on?

  • Is it low desire or are you on birth control?

  • Is it low desire or are you scared of getting pregnant?

  • Is it low desire or are you having painful sex?

  • Is it low desire or are you stressed?

  • Is it low desire or are you not happy in your relationship?

  • Is it low desire or do you not know what you like sexually?

  • Is it low desire or are you having bad/unsatisfying sex?

  • Is it low desire or are you not having the sex you want to have?

  • Is it low desire or does sex not feel safe?

  • Is it low desire or low confidence?

  • Is it low desire or do you have no energy?

  • Is it low desire or a lack of desire to have sex with someone else?

Want to go deeper? Christine's blog, Low Sexual Desire vs Responsive Desire: Key Differences and How They Impact Intimacy, explains the difference in more detail.

What influences desire?

Desire is complex, and there are a number of factors that can impact sexual desire. These can include:

  • How we learned about sex including cultural, religious or social narratives

  • The quality of current and previous sexual experiences

  • How much we know about our own pleasure

  • Chronic stress, anxiety, or depression

  • Relationship conflicts or unresolved emotional issues

  • Past trauma or negative sexual experiences

  • Certain medications, including antidepressants and birth control

  • Physical health conditions (diabetes, thyroid disorders, or chronic pain)

  • Fatigue and lack of sleep

  • Hormonal imbalances (such as low testosterone or estrogen levels)

  • Poor body image and self-esteem issues

  • Other lifestyle and environmental factors

How we approach this at Good Vibes Clinic

An initial session includes a holistic review of what's contributing to the discrepancy for you and your partner (if you're coming as a couple), whether that's stress, hormonal changes, relationship dynamics, or a mismatch between responsive desire styles.

We often draw on reflective tools to help you identify your own sexual accelerators and brakes, what turns your desire on, and what shuts it down, so you and your partner can better understand and support each other rather than one of you feeling like ‘the problem.’

If you'd like to start exploring this on your own first, our self-paced online course, Master My Mojo, covers desire, arousal and pleasure in more depth, and can be a great starting point for individuals or couples.

Meet our recommended therapists

Taylor Neal (she/they)

Somatic Sexologist

Taylor’s approach is trauma informed, somatic, and rooted in acceptance and equity.

BOOK A SESSION WITH TAYLOR

Ally Moore (she/her)

Sex Therapist

Ally works with people at all stages of relationship and sexual identity from a relational, somatic, and talk-based therapeutic approach, integrating the mind, body, and emotional experience.

BOOK A SESSION WITH ALLY

Grace Crawford (she/her)

Sex Therapist and Counsellor

Grace is passionate about nervous system regulation and believes this is key to becoming a relaxed and confident sexual person.

FIND OUT MORE AND JOIN THE WAITLIST

Common myths about desire

  • Myth!! Having a lower or more responsive desire doesn't mean anything is ‘wrong’ with you, and actually responsive desire is more common than ‘spontaneous’ desire, even though social messaging may have you thinking otherwise. Everyone experiences desire differently, and understanding your own pattern can lead to a more fulfilling, pressure-free sex life.

  • Myth. Many folks shift from what feels like spontaneous to responsive desire as a relationship goes on, especially once the early new-relationship energy settles. It's extremely common, and it doesn't mean you're any less attracted to your partner. What’s more true in this situation is that you always had a more responsive desire but had lots of sexually relevant stimuli to respond to early in the relationship.

  • Myth. It's a couple issue, not something for the lower (or higher) desire partner to solve alone.

Frequently asked questions

  • No. Desire varies hugely between people, and across your own life. The only real measure is whether your current experience of desire feels satisfying to you.

  • It's not about effort or persuading her. It's worth first figuring out whether it's low desire or responsive desire, many people who describe themselves as having ‘no interest’ are actually experiencing responsive desire, where interest shows up once the right context is there rather than spontaneously. Approaching it with curiosity together, rather than pressure, tends to help more than trying to fix it for her.

  • Several things can cause it: how you were taught about sex, past or current sexual experiences, stress, relationship conflict, medications, hormones, body image, fatigue, and other lifestyle factors. It's rarely just one thing.

  • Only if you want them to be. Sexual concerns that happen in a couple's sexual relationship are a couple's sexual issue, not something wrong with you.

    Even if you think your body or desire is the ‘problem’, there is almost always a complex interplay of relational factors that contribute to it showing up in partnered sex.

    All individual sessions are completely confidential and there is no requirement for your partner to attend, but we do find faster success if the partner is open to attending or engaging in activities needed to support overcoming the concern.

  • Absolutely. All our sessions, regardless of what you share, are required by law to remain confidential. If we receive your explicit consent to contact other relevant treating parties we're happy to do this, but it's not essential if it doesn't feel comfortable for you.

  • Yes, our sessions can be completed online or in person in Surry Hills.

  • Yes, although it depends on the therapist. Get in touch with the clinic and we can talk you through what applies to your situation.