Relationship issues as a result of discrepancies in levels of desire or ‘libido’ is the most common reason for couples to seek out a Sex and Relationship Therapist. It might be helpful to know that someone’s libido is affected by factors that aren’t always directly related to sex. You might not think that a full sink of dirty dishes will impact the chances of you getting lucky that evening, but it very likely could be!
No two people have the exact same libido and desires, and the likelihood is that you won’t have the same libido and desire across your adult life. As a result of this, libido is perhaps one of the most complicated human behaviours to predict and understand. Libido can vary completely across weeks, months and years, and be related to various factors that may have little to nothing to do with sex or sexuality.
Remember that there is no such thing as a ‘normal’ level of libido, and comparing yourself to others is not helpful. If you are currently single, you may not even think about how often you are self-loving or engaging in sexual activity with others. In partnered relationships however, it seems to be one of the biggest causes for concern, argument and dissatisfaction. This is because there is often no consistency with how often you want to do it compared to your significant other.
For the partner with the lower libido, you may feel that your partner is only interested in sex, and feel frustrated that you can’t relax at the end of the night without the looming sense of pressure an expectation. For the partner with the higher libido on the other hand, not only may you feel confused and frustrated, but likely feeling rejected by your partner.
In a relationship, understanding your partners libido can help in reducing the small arguments and frustration that comes with one person simply wanting sex more than the other. This includes understanding what increases their libido and what decreases it. Some common reasons why people’s libido may be lower than usual include stress at work, tiredness, but also other matters within the relationship such as trust issues, financial concerns and children.
When it comes to discrepancies in desire that are causing you concern, open communication with your partner is key in understanding why there may be decreases in desire. If it is possible to determine what is causing the change in desire, as a partnership you may be able to find a simple solution. Communicating in an honest and supportive way ensures that both partners are happy and satisfied in the sexual and intimate relationship. Understanding your own libido uppers and downers is also helpful in working through any discrepancies. Good Vibes Clinic offers an online desire series - Own Your Pleasure, which is great for individuals and partners who want to learn more about desire, arousal and pleasure, and how to foster desire and sexual intimacy that is mutually satisfying. Click here to find out more and sign up!