The Ultimate Guide to Discussing Sexual Health with Your Partner
By Selina Nguyen
Sexual health is a series of conversations that too often get sidelined or neglected when dating and exploring sexual relationships, which is ironic given it’s such a potent opportunity to build a foundation for intimacy grounded in openness, safety and care that many of us claim to want.
Whether casual or committed, it’s well-known that partners that talk openly about sex generally have better and more satisfying sex. It’s in talking about sex that the open lines of communication allow us to feel heard and safe with each other, which allows us to connect, play and self-express together.
Because we’re no longer distracted by the elephant in the room or what is left unsaid when we intentionally talk about these things as they arise, we can get out of our heads. This then tends to allow us to feel more open to trying new things, asking for what we want, or asserting our limits. The ripple effects of open sexual communication are endless, yet these foundational conversations about sexual health continue to get lost in the excuses of “it’s too awkward to bring up” or “it’ll ruin the mood,” and the like.
Talking about sexual health includes discussing recent sexual health testing and status, recent treatments, contraception and barrier methods, and sharing sexual preferences and boundaries.
This is not the same as needing to know each other’s body counts or who your partner has had sex with, or making negative judgements about sexual choices.
It’s recommended to have these conversations if:
you’re about to start having sex with someone new
you have multiple partners
your partner has multiple partners or has cheated on you
you and a partner are thinking about stopping using barrier protection
if you or a partner have symptoms of a sexually transmitted infection (STI)
Why talk about sexual health?
Gone are the days where HIV/AIDS were a death sentence, and while we have come a long way in the treatment and management of STIs, the stigma that says STIs are dirty and shameful still largely remains. Too often the topic of sexual health only gets raised when someone presents with symptoms or an STI gets flagged by some other health testing.
Each time we avoid conversations about sexual health testing, we perpetuate the stigma attached to STIs.
When we invite proactive and open communication about testing and status, we chip away at the longstanding misinformation that says STIs are embarrassing or punishment for poor decisions.
It also sets the standard of care in which we look after ourselves and those we choose to share our body with.
It’s about time that we integrate our definition of physical health to include sexual health. Just as we may go to the gym or eat nutritious foods, STI testing and management are important components of holistic health too and to continue denying this means that we miss crucial opportunities for care.
How to talk about sexual health
By now, it should be clear that the excuses of “it ruins the mood” or “it feels awkward” are no longer enough, and we need to raise the bar of what is considered the bare minimum of safer sex practices and sexual communication. Sexual health conversations are a part of ongoing and informed consent.
How we bring up these conversations is an individual choice.
It’s more common now that folks might include their status on dating app profiles as a way of being upfront and efficient, for example: “I have HSV-1 so I’m looking for lovers who are open to chatting about safer sex and unlearning stigma”. Other paths might look like via text messaging, over the phone, in-person or using anonymous notification services like Let Them Know.
These conversations are best outside of a sexual experience where everyone involved can make informed and intentional choices about what they’d like to do. Consider what else you might need to feel comfortable to initiate the conversation.For example: a prompt, a hand-hold, privacy, or links to STI information and resources.
Starting sexual health conversations
Opening up conversations that feel difficult or unpractised is a muscle to flex.
Gradually, you’ll learn what approach feels best for you, and what used to feel daunting or uncomfortable over time starts to feel more easeful and relaxed. Trust this process.
Until that point, what starting sexual health conversations can look like is speaking from your own experiences and inviting partners to share what feels comfortable for them. Centre non-judgement and care in your words and actions, and make it explicit if a reminder feels helpful in taking the pressure off, for example “I’m not judging you, I’m practicing being more proactive with these kinds of things”.
Sexual health disclosure guide
Having an STI or dating someone with an STI is not the scary experience that it’s made out to be. What often makes it a scary and isolating experience is again the sheer stigma and misinformation about what it actually entails.
As the person with the STI:
Know that there is more to you than your sexual health status. It’s not a permanent barrier to satisfying sex, but provides a useful indicator or green flag for potential sexual partners who are open-minded and curious (aka the true markers of good sex).
Empower yourself with relevant information about medications, treatment or management strategies.
Have links to STI resources handy in these conversations. Sites like Play Safe provide a wealth of non-judgemental and accurate STI information as well as local testing locations and an anonymous Q&A platform with sexual health nurses (Nurse Nettie). Remember that these conversations are not a “confession of your sins”, it’s the sharing of health information and building of informed consent.
As the person dating someone with an STI:
Get clear with yourself about the level of sexual health risk that you’re comfortable with. Educate yourself with the options available to you like specific barrier methods or preventative medications, and also how best to support your partner. Again, it’s not a permanent barrier to satisfying sex and it is only one if you make it so.
Whether you’re casual or committed, proactive and open sexual communication is always hot. Do your part in breaking down the stigma and raising the bar around communication. If you find yourself still struggling with phrasing, you can find the matching resource in our Free Resources section or you can book in with one of our practitioners.