Your Breath Is Your Best Sex Toy, Here’s Why
By Taylor Neal
Sometimes I feel like a broken record with clients for how often I find myself discussing the usefulness of the breath.
It’s one of those things that we all already know on some level, and yet rarely do we actually stop and breathe when it could be incredibly useful to us in life, and in sex.
It sounds obvious, “take a deep breath,” when we’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, rushed or frustrated, and yet, how often do you actually do this in a day? How often during sex do you take the time to intentionally breathe?
It’s one of those things that feel so obvious when said, that we forget it actually has to be intentional in order for it to happen enough that we feel the benefits. So when I invite a client to take a couple breaths in session, suggest this as part of their foreplay, or offer some form of breath work as their at-home practice for the week, it’s common for people to express a feeling of shock for how simple some of our seemingly enormous challenges really can be.
The breath is present with us through all experiences of sex and relationships, and throughout all stages of the process, and yet we forget that it can truly be our greatest tool for connection, nervous system regulation, sexual function, pleasure, and pretty much all other aspects of how we connect safely and lovingly to our bodies.
Why the Breath?
The main reason why the breath is so useful in our sex lives is the same reason it’s so useful in the rest of our lives: it’s literally always with us.
There are no other resources you need to access this tool, it’s with you always, therefore with practice and intention, it is the most accessible, natural, good habit we can possibly develop. The answers are within us! Because breathing is one of the only body processes that exists both consciously and subconsciously depending on where you place your awareness, the breath is both one of the first signs of disregulation and one of the most effective ways to regulate your nervous system.
Your breath and your brain state are so intrinsically linked that every different state of being somehow has an impact on how we’re breathing, which is such great news when we’re wanting to know our bodies better. When we intentionally bring our awareness to our breath we can use it to support us in moving closer to where we want to be, with whom we want to be, and how we want to show up.
The breath is also, because it can be such a conscious, visceral experience, one of the best ways to enhance sensation and become present in the body. Choosing to make the breath conscious and intentional can be a powerful tools at many points in a sexual experience both from a tantric perspective and from a scientific perspective.
And finally, the breath can be super hot!
Many people actually love the sound and feel of a partner’s breath in their ear or against their skin during sex. As mentioned above, the breath is intrinsically linked to our brain state at any time, whether we realise or not, so when a partner’s breath changes during sex in a way that we read as “aroused” this is often a big turn on for our own desire and sense of arousal in the sexual experience.
The breach an be used for many specific sexual experiences as well as an overall tool to experiment with. Below are some specific examples of how the breath can be used to support better sexual experiences.
The Breath and Performance Anxiety
Many of my clients that experience performance anxiety, experience a moment of what they refer to as “freeze” or “panic” at some point during their sexual experiences.
At some point as things start heating up, their mind recognises that it’s “go time” and applies pressure to their bodies to be ready for sex, which then sends stress signals down through their body. This results in a lack of ability to do what they want to do in that moment (usually penetrative sex) because their body feels this pressure to perform as a threat and goes into what we know as a “stress response,” which, as I’m sure you can imagine, isn’t great for sex. The result of this super quick process of “cue for sex, pressure, lack of response, stress” results in a freeze or a panic in the client, which often causes them to either give up, or immediately shift the focus back on to their partner and accept defeat with their own body.
In this moment, one of the best things we can do is breathe.
This is because when we get to this point, where we’re panicking or freezing during sex when our bodies don’t respond the way we want them to, often what we’re responding to is a sense of urgency we’re feeling around performing a certain act in a certain amount of time.
There are a couple of different things that can happen to our breath when we go into a stress response:
Breathing Becomes Rapid and Shallow
Mouth Breathing Increases
Irregular Breathing Pattern
Chest Tightness and Muscle Tension
Sighing or Yawning Frequently
As mentioned above, our breath directly reflects our brain state, so when any of these signs of a stress response are present in our breath (let’s call this stress breathing), maintaining arousal or presence during sex will continue to be more and more difficult if we don’t regulate ourselves in some way.
Some ways that our stress breathing impact our arousal during sex are:
Activates the Wrong Nervous System
Panic breathing triggers the sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight), while sexual arousal depends on the parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest)
When you’re breathing rapidly or shallowly due to anxiety, your body thinks you're in danger, not a safe, sensual state, so arousal becomes much harder
Reduces Blood Flow to Sexual Organs
Shallow, fast breathing decreases oxygen and blood circulation, especially to the pelvic area
This can lead to erectile difficulties, vaginal dryness, or an inability to feel fully engaged or turned on
Increases Mental Distraction
When you're panicking, you're focused on survival, not sensation, so your mind may spiral into intrusive thoughts like:
“Am I doing this right?”
“What if I can’t perform?”
“Why can’t I feel anything?”
“Are they having a good time?”
This takes you out of your body and into your head, making arousal feel distant or impossible, which causes us to give up or shift focus rather than staying present
Triggers Shame or Avoidance
If panic happens during intimacy, it may lead to feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment, which can create a lasting association between sex and anxiety
Over time, this can lead to avoidance of intimacy or fear of “it happening again.”
Ways to Use Breath During Sex
So, when it comes to performance anxiety, what we want is to find ways of intentionally changing how we’re breathing to support us coming back into a relaxed state, releasing urgency, and staying present with the pleasure we’re experiencing.
The best way to use the breath to support performance anxiety and sexual function is to both develop a habit of incorporating the breath into your foreplay experience and recognise signs of stress breath when they happen and use this as an opportunity to slow down or pause, and reconnect to a slower, deeper breath.
When we do this, not only are we bringing ourselves back into the present and back into the body, but we’re also helping to down-regulate our nervous system back out of our stress response or “panic” and into a state of relaxation and connection that is necessary for sexual arousal and pleasure.
I often suggest to my clients that taking long, slow, deep breaths with your partner when you can’t seem to perform in the way you want to can help remind the body that there’s no urgency or pressure (since we have time to breathe slow), give you an opportunity to re-set, and move awareness from your spiraling mind back into your body.
Simply put, when you take the time to breathe, what you give yourself is more choice in how you’d like to proceed, rather than giving up on sex or giving up on your own pleasure. When we slow down and breathe, lots happens on the physiological levels, but really, we’re simply offered time and space to choose how we respond in the moment.
While this is particularly useful for folks that experience performance anxiety, it is also extremely useful for sex in general, even when performance doesn’t feel like a challenge.
Slowing down, staying present, and breathing is beneficial to sex and pleasure in so many ways, here are just a few more:
Enhancing Pleasure
Deep breathing increases oxygen flow, which enhances sensitivity and sensation throughout the body
Rhythmic breathing can help intensify orgasms by increasing circulation and allowing you to stay more present with your body
Increasing Connection
Synchronizing breath with a partner can deepen intimacy and emotional connection
Eye contact and shared breathing fosters a sense of unity and attunement, especially during slower, more sensual moments
Improving Stamina & Control
Conscious breathing helps you manage arousal levels, especially useful for people with penises who want to delay ejaculation
Breath awareness helps avoid tension build-up in the body that can lead to premature orgasm/ejaculation
Reducing Anxiety or Pressure
Deep, calm breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress and helping you relax into the experience
Breath can bring you back to the present moment when your mind wanders or becomes self-critical
Fueling Energy & Arousal
Fast, shallow breathing can mimic the body's natural arousal state and actually stimulate desire, though this can also stimulate panic, so ensure that you have an awareness of how to feel the difference
Tantric and yogic traditions use specific breath techniques (like fire breath or circular breathing) to build and circulate sexual energy in the body, either solo or with a partner
Supporting Communication
Breath can express nonverbal cues: a gasp, a moan, a sigh, showing pleasure or asking for more, even without words
Tuning into your partner's breath can help you sense what they’re feeling and guide the rhythm of your connection
Sensory Stimulation
The breath can be extremely sensual, engaging all our senses and giving us a point to focus on if we feel like we’re dissociating
If you’re feeling disconnected, try focusing on how your breath (or your partner’s) sounds, feels, smells, tastes, or looks and notice how this awareness brings you back to the present
Aftercare
After orgasm, returning to slow, grounded breathing helps you recover faster and stay emotionally connected during aftercare or cuddling
Breathing together can be a great form of after care!
There are endless ways the breath can be useful before, during, and after sex if we’re intentional about how we use it and how we can work it in as part of our experiences both solo and with partners.
Your breath is always there for you, but it takes practice and intention to develop a habit! Here is a short somatic practice for connecting to breath that could be useful as part of your daily routine to help build more pleasure, presence, and sensuality during sex.