Relationship conflict can be healthy!
A common misconception in relationships is that conflict is bad. Healthy conflict teaches us to listen, makes us flexible to understand different perspectives, improves resilience and allows us an opportunity to verbalise our needs.
It’s unrealistic to think people attempting to build a relationship or a life together will always agree on everything. Research completed by Gottman Institute found that 69% of problems couples face are unsolvable, and will stay with the couple for the entirety of their relationship. Don’t worry, we aren’t all doomed to be fighting forever, but it makes it important to learn to listen, and communicate about our needs.
Most of the conflict in relationships comes from fundamental differences in beliefs, personalities or lifestyle. Being able to define which problems are solvable or perpetual, helps shift the conversation from butting heads to working together to find a middle ground. With perpetual problems, it’s less about forcing a solution and more about creating better ways to deal with them the next time they come up.
It’s important to acknowledge how difficult it can be to hear the ways in which your partner’s needs aren’t being met or how you could do better as a partner. It’s crucial to keep in mind when hearing these things, that it is often not intended as criticism, but for the betterment of the relationship. Your partner is telling you these things because they feel comfortable enough to do so, because they see value in the relationship and because they would like it to progress. It may come off as nagging or repetitive, and that only means it is still unresolved for your partner - not that they’re just trying to make your life difficult.
Your partner is giving you a roadmap of how to love them, and if you listen carefully, and practice understanding a different view, you are likely to find a way through.What allows us to use conflict as a springboard for growth, is coming to these conversations with an open mind and a focus on re-connection rather than being right.
Ground Rules for Every Arguement
What are the ground rules every relationship must have in place for productive arguments and disagreements?
No name-calling, yelling or swearing: This is a must. It prevents the argument from getting heated, us from getting dysregulated and also the conversation from turning into a competition of who can say the most hurtful thing
No stonewalling or weaponising the relationship: In other words, no hanging up, no silent treatment or threatening to end the relationship. We hold space for those who learned these as survival mechanisms growing up, however it can be very manipulative and simply aren’t conducive to good conversations.
A commitment to treating each other with respect and making an effort to listen and understand each other’s perspectives: Also a given, but so often forgotten as soon as feedback is introduced. It’s totally normal and valid for our ego and our pride to sting when we have these conversations. It may not get easier, but that makes it so much more important to develop a habit of being able to step outside of your wounded ego and appreciating the full value of what your partner is asking
Using “I” statements to share your feelings and thoughts: A cliche but cliche for a good reason.The last thing we want is anyone feeling attacked or defensive. “I” statements allow you to hone in on your feelings and what you need out of the relationship and the conversation.
Using time-outs and self-soothing if it gets too overwhelming or intense: A common misconception for arguments is that it needs to be solved immediately or it never will be. It places so much pressure on finding a solution and the solutions that are often created after hours of arguing are rushed and not well thought out. Let your partner know you need some time and commit to coming back to it with a specific timeframe
Having productive and healthier arguments is a lifelong practice. It’s a continual commitment to building a relationship together and it can sting to hear it all just as much five months into a relationship as it does fifty years in. The positive side of this is that by creating and maintaining good communication habits, it makes it easier to cut through all the peripheral issues and focus on addressing the core need.
An underrated part of good communication is self-awareness and being able to separate the intent from the impact of your actions. We often don’t intend to attack our partners during disagreements but it obviously can come across like so. Using soft start-ups is a great way to create a buffer for these difficult conversations. Acknowledging and directly saying to your partner something you appreciate about them before asking for your needs does wonders for establishing a strong foundation. This goes hand-in-hand with the use of “I” statements and by acknowledging the good in the relationship, it minimises chances of escalation or defensiveness.
It is just as important to consider timing before you bring up something that can be emotionally charged. It’s obviously not ideal to do so before a big event or right before bed! Ask your partner when you’re both feeling fairly relaxed or comfortable, “I’d like to talk about X. Do you have space for this right now or can you let me know when you do?” and actually respecting their answer even if it isn’t an immediate yes. Staying curious about your partner’s experience when you’re having these conversations allows you to step outside your own ego, and hone in on what they’re actually needing from you versus making assumptions. It gives you the space to genuinely listen to them and make change.
Many of us aren’t taught the skills of having productive conflict and how this flows into maintaining long-term fulfilling relationships. These communication habits help form a strong foundation for having our needs explored and also met. Growing up, what do you wish you learnt sooner about communication?